Most people value close, supportive family relationships. We want to feel loved, understood, and connected. But when families become too tightly connected—or enmeshed—that closeness can interfere with our ability to develop our own identity, make independent choices, and pursue our goals.

What Is Enmeshment?

Enmeshment is often confused with closeness or intimacy, both of which are aspects of healthy relationships. Enmeshment is a dysfunctional dynamic that occurs when relationships lack boundaries and there isn’t enough emotional separation among family members.

In healthy families, there’s a balance between connection and independence. However, in enmeshed families, loyalty and emotional closeness are valued above autonomy. Parents may struggle to let their adult children live self-directed lives, calling multiple times a day, expecting immediate responses, making demands, or using guilt to get their way. The parents’ need for control, reassurance, or attention outweighs the adult child’s need for independence and boundaries.

The Origins of Enmeshment

Enmeshment often begins in childhood when a parent relies on their child for emotional support, sometimes due to loneliness, insecurity, or Mental health or substance use issues. The child may feel obligated to take care of the parent and discouraged from developing their own interests or relationships. For example:

• The parent treats the child as a therapist or confidante.
• The parent expects the child to be their best friend or limits outside friendships.
• The child is responsible for the parent’s happiness.

The Effects of Enmeshment

In enmeshed families, closeness is fueled by guilt and obligation rather than mutual respect and freedom. Children often feel responsible for their parents’ emotional needs, making it hard to set boundaries, pursue their own goals, or gain independence. Separation may be seen as betrayal, and independence as a threat. These families often struggle to form healthy connections outside the family, sometimes prioritizing parent-adult child bonds over marriages. A spouse may feel sidelined, competing for time and emotional energy, which can create ongoing conflict and resentment.

Problems that result from enmeshment include:

• Parentification: Children take on adult responsibilities they aren’t prepared for. They feel responsible for their parents’ well-being, miss out on typical childhood experiences, and often become people-pleasers, perfectionists, or workaholics.
• Lack of individuality: Adult children function as extensions of their parents, suppressing their own thoughts and feelings to meet family expectations.
• Fear of separation: Family members may feel unable to function alone, becoming anxious or depressed when apart.
• Guilt: Adult children may feel guilty or anxious when they make independent choices or spend time away from their parents.
• Controlling behavior: Family members interfere in each other’s decisions and relationships.
• Communication problems: Honest conversations are avoided and conflict is suppressed.
• Difficulty setting boundaries: Enmeshed families often view boundaries as unnecessary or threatening. Adult children often feel guilty when setting them, leading them to overextend themselves or allow intrusive behavior. Without boundaries to protect your time, privacy, and emotional well-being, it becomes impossible to live your own life.
• Problems in romantic relationships. Enmeshed adults may prioritize their parents over their partners, which can strain the partnership and lead to resentment. Alternatively, they may develop an unhealthy dependence on their partners.

Overcoming Enmeshment and Living Your Own Life

If you think you have enmeshed family relationships, try these strategies:

• Set compassionate boundaries. It’s essential to be clear with your family members about what you are and are not willing to do. For example, you might say, “I can’t talk to you about your problems every day” or “I need some time to myself on the weekends.”
• Work through feelings of guilt. Your family may reject your boundaries, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong to set them. It’s not your responsibility to make your family happy, and you do not need their permission to set boundaries and create a healthy separation. It’s healthy for adults to prioritize their own needs and happiness rather than perpetually self-sacrificing.
• Recognize your autonomy and take steps toward independence. This may include making your own decisions, not sharing all of your problems, spending time alone, developing friendships, or pursuing a personal goal.
• Communicate your needs. Let your family members know what you need from them to maintain a healthy relationship. For example, you might say, “I need you to respect my decisions” or “I need some space right now.”
• Develop your own identity. Adults who grew up in enmeshed families didn’t have opportunities to explore their identities. They needed to conform and be who their parents wanted them to be. As a result, you may not have a strong sense of who you are, what matters to you, what you like, or what you want or need. Take some time now to explore your interests, values, and ideas.
• Couples need to work as a team. Partners of enmeshed adults also need to set boundaries with their in-laws and feel supported by their partner in doing so. This can help to protect the relationship and prevent resentment from building up.
• Get support. Talking to a therapist or counselor can help you better understand enmeshment and develop healthy boundaries.
• Be patient. Overcoming enmeshment takes time and effort. Don’t expect to change everything at once. Focus on making small changes one step at a time.

Conclusion

Enmeshment might be deeply ingrained in your family dynamics, but you can take steps to break the cycle. What’s one small step you could take today to set a boundary or honor your own needs? Small changes add up and can start to shift these patterns. Remember, it’s possible to balance caring for your family and caring for yourself.

© Sharon Martin. Adapted from an article on the author’s website.