Like with all living things, our relationships are constantly evolving. The person we’ve become can look very different from who we were at the beginning of our relationship. Our needs and desires should naturally change, hopefully, as we grow closer to our true selves.
This is a good thing, right? Absolutely. Continued development is the source of true fulfillment and helps keep the energy flowing in your relationship. That being said, what if you and your partner have a different desire for growth, or you start to grow in very different directions?
Growth can feel terrifying for one partner or both, particularly when it involves change that makes your beloved or the relationship feel unrecognizable. How can partners make sure they are growing together? First, we need to be able to name the changes we’re experiencing.
Changes You Might Experience in Your Relationship
Below are the most common pivots that, if not handled carefully, can cause partners to grow apart. See if any of these resonate with you:
- Shift in priority or desire with one’s career, hobby, sex, whether to have children, where to live, or level of ambition
- Personal growth and individuation that inspires new attitudes and behavior patterns—for example, overcoming people pleasing and learning to say “no.” A desire discrepancy for personal growth can be particularly impactful.
- Change in alcohol use, whether that be sobriety or progressive substance abuse
- Spiritual awakening with a new perspective, language, friends, and a peeling away of what no longer aligns
- A physical or Mental health condition that changes needs, capabilities, and/or personality
- Change in political views and values or strengthening of the same
- Parenting with all it takes to balance the demands during their younger years or when misaligned with navigating adult-child relationship(s)
Dealing Proactively With Change
Here are the 4 C’s to surf the tides of change in your relationship, the big and small ones—starting with the power of your mind.
1. Consciousness: Embrace and trust the change process, individually and as a couple.
Our mindset has a great impact on the future we create. We know this intuitively, but research on resilience supports this mind-outcome connection. Rather than resisting or judging the changes that are brewing, be curious. Self-reflect to understand what’s at the root of your concerns. Explore your fears to help you overcome them.
Be open to how this process might ultimately help you grow and bring benefit to you and your partner. This “abundant mindset” sets you up for the best possible outcome.
It’s easy to panic and see reality from a doomed state of mind. Pause. Breathe. Relax. (P.B.R.) Do what makes you feel grounded, and remember that evolving as partners is common and natural.
2. Communication: Share openly and listen to truly understand.
We can’t get anywhere in our relationship without creating an approachable environment to talk—about anything. Day to day, but especially during difficult points in the relationship. It’s imperative to pick a time to engage when you feel calm. Partners need to open up with one another about their thoughts and fears, dreams, and needs. This helps you feel more connected and can open the gates for mutual solutions.
In my book, A Soulful Marriage, I offer the “Love Seat Listening Method” to help partners take turns sitting in the love seat. The idea is to make sure each partner feels fully heard and understood. Taking turns sitting in the love seat (metaphorically or literally) helps you slow down and allow each partner the time they need to open up without being interrupted.
3. Commitment: Actively prioritize your relationship and your partner.
Partners can weather huge changes when they each feel valued, cherished, and accepted. This is the time to be in two places at once—venturing into your own discoveries and investing in making your partner a priority. Also known as differentiation, you can be autonomous while simultaneously maintaining intimacy.
Prioritizing your partner can include focusing on what you appreciate, cherishing them in a way they feel it, and accepting and loving them unconditionally. If you’re the partner who feels afraid of the changes you are seeing, try connecting with your heart to consider your partner’s deeper dreams or desires. Consider what they’re going through. If you’re the partner who is seeking change, take it slow, don’t judge, and have empathy for your partner’s feelings.
Relationships Essential Reads
4. Common Ground: Nurture shared interests and find purpose as a couple.
Now is the time to get creative. You might already have activities or people in your life that bring you together. Put extra emphasis on these.
Make a list of values you share. Take note of what you do, even in micro-moments, that makes you feel close. Try something neither of you has ever experienced before; it can be bonding. The key is investing in what expands your similarities and deflates your differences.
Taking it further, use your relationship to become more giving, in and outside your collective. Research has shown that awakening the spirit of generosity through altruism increases desirability between partners. Join your heads and hearts together and brainstorm simple ways you can give together or support each other’s passions to make the world better.
Bottom Line
Growth and change are woven into the essence of who we are. Do your best to lean into what feels unpredictable and unfamiliar, with an eye toward personal growth. Sometimes, it’s necessary to let go of a relationship, and that’s OK, but give it time.
Relationships go through many seasons. Know that it’s possible to find deep fulfillment together while managing considerable differences, especially when you open yourself to growing along the way.
