Ask Jake what he does if his partner does something that bothers him, and he’s likely to say that he “lets it go.” Jake’s not alone—a lot of men in particular, but also many women, learned to not express their feelings nor even use them as information in a healthy way. Jake’s “letting it go” is his learned way of avoiding what he fears would be confrontation and conflict, out-of-control anger from him or the other person, and possible rejection and criticism. Jake’s go-to solution is internalizing his emotions to prevent what is fearful and overwhelming for him.

How and why did Jake learn to do this? Here are the most common sources:

Parents were volatile or abusive.

If you grow up in a household where one or both of your parents were emotionally volatile because of addiction issues or Mental health issues or were emotionally or physically abusive, you have few options to survive as a child—withdraw, be good to avoid getting in trouble, or be angry. The Jakes of the world relied on withdrawal and being good. The good news is that it worked—Jake survived his childhood—the bad news is that you don’t turn it off as an adult, and it doesn’t work as well. The world has gotten bigger, and there are more people and situations that can trigger you and leave you feeling like a wounded child instead of the adult you are.

Parents internalized their own emotions.

This is where children grow up in sterile homes where emotions are never expressed or talked about. Often, the parents themselves grew up in that type of environment or had volatile or abusive parents and adopted Jake’s mode of operation and passed it on to him.

The theme here is you learn that others are not safe, especially those close to you or those in powerful positions, such as bosses.

Again, this worked as a child but not as an adult. Here are the six common consequences of continuing to internalize:

1. You periodically blow up or act out.

Holding in emotions is like living in a pressure cooker. Eventually, the emotional pressure builds, and you either blow up—do what you fear—or act out—have an affair, get drunk. At the time, you believe you deserve to do what you’re doing, but invariably, you feel shell-shocked by what you’ve done, which pushes you to go back and internalize—rinse and repeat.

2. You’re self-critical.

When I worked with young children, it was rare when a child didn’t in some way blame themselves for their parents’ divorce. Children are naturally self-centered, believing the world revolves around them, so they quickly blame themselves for what happens around them. And if you have critical parents, you preemptively learn to criticize yourself to avoid doing what you anticipate your parent criticizing you for. Again, you learn to walk on eggshells and keep doing what you learned to do as a child even though you’re now an adult.

3. You’re at risk for depression or addiction.

Freud defined depression as anger turned inward—hence the self-blame. You’re also at risk of using food, alcohol, and drugs to anesthetize the intense emotions you’re holding in.

4. You’re susceptible to having medical problems.

In his book When the Body Says No, physician Gabor Maté documents how internalization leads to ongoing stress that, in turn, can trigger common medical problems such as asthma, cancer, rheumatoid arthritis, and even Alzheimer’s.

5. There is no intimacy in your close relationships.

Because you’re always focusing on avoiding conflict or are afraid to speak up for fear of conflict, the other person only sees you shutting down and being passive and senses that you are saying what they want to hear. I’ve heard thousands of partners say they wish the other person would say what bothers them—not just to complain, but simply to open up. Their partners are turtles who live within their own shells. They feel lonely.

6. You’re living someone else’s life, not yours.

If Jake spends much of his life and relationships building around what others want in order to avoid what he fears will be overwhelming conflict and emotions, he is essentially not living his life but theirs. I’ve met people who, after doing this for most of their lives, look back with regret and sadness. After years of never feeling they can be themselves, they are now running out of time.

Is this fixable? Absolutely! Here’s how to get started:

Realize that you’re working with old software.

If you think of your brain as a computer, you’re basically operating on old software. What you did as a child no longer works, and it’s time to upgrade. If you want to stop running your life as a child and be more adult, you start by realizing when that little-kid brain takes over so you can change it.

When you feel unsafe or find yourself shutting down or letting go, tell yourself that this is old stuff from the past.

Take the risk of stepping forward.

All this is about anxiety, and the key to dealing with anxiety is stepping outside your comfort zone. Jake needs to speak up if something bothers him to find out that what he thinks will happen doesn’t. This is how he rewires his brain to feel less like a victim and discovers that not everyone is like his parents.

Say what you need to feel safe.

Jake doesn’t want his partner to overreact. Pre-emptively, he lets his partner know how to help him feel safe—maybe just by listening and appreciating that he is trying to be more open and intimate.

Take baby steps.

This is where I say to the Jakes: You don’t have to think on your feet. Even if it takes three days to get the courage to speak up, that’s fine. If you need to write a note, that’s fine. Do what you can but just don’t keep biting your tongue.

The key to avoiding fear is to run toward what you’re afraid of. That is how you change your view of yourself and the world and become the adult you are.