Dating in the 21st century is hard. Singles are both overwhelmed and underwhelmed. Overwhelmed by the number of apps and an infinite sea of prospective partners/dating app users. Underwhelmed by the quality of their matches, interactions, and dating experiences.

Many of my clients have expressed discontent with the current dating environment and culture. Common words I continue to hear in my practice to describe dates include: flaky, inconsiderate, inconsistent, low effort. Other words or phrases that have been used to describe one’s feelings around dating and the experience as a whole include: lonely, behind, discouraged, burnt out, and jaded.

And research continues to confirm the negative effects of dating apps on one’s Mental health and well-being. For example, a study in 2020 by Holtzhausen et al. linked the use of swipe-based dating applications and Mental health challenges including higher levels of anxiety, depression and distress.

Dating Is Taxing and Activating

You might be thinking, “OK, yes, dating sucks—I already know that. But why does it affect me so much?”

So often my clients express frustration with how much of a toll dating has taken on them—and this is understandable. It really shouldn’t be this hard or this arduous.

But as a clinician, I see it very clearly. Dating can be detrimental to one’s Mental health because it is both taxing and activating.

It’s taxing because it requires so much time, energy, and emotion. You have to put yourself out there over and over (and over) again. On top of your job and other responsibilities, you have to make yourself available to people you don’t know, don’t yet feel connected to, or don’t feel comfortable with—in the hopes of finding a meaningful connection. Of course you’re exhausted.

Dating is also incredibly activating for many singles. It requires a great deal of vulnerability, and the process can highlight some of our deepest insecurities and agitate unhealed attachment wounds. It often reinforces the deep-rooted negative core beliefs that many of us already struggle with.

When you go on a series of dead-end dates, have been ghosted or flaked on multiple times, or unable to “match” with someone who is aligned, it wears on you. It’s hard not to personalize someone’s lack of interest or your general “lack of success” with dating.

Therapy for Dating Is a Thing

When I share that I provide “therapy for dating,” I get some weird looks and responses.

“What does that even mean?”

“Do you mean dating coaching?”

“I don’t understand how that works.”

I can understand the confusion and disbelief—it sounds odd and unconventional. And while there isn’t one specific modality or intervention developed solely to address dating challenges, there are therapeutic approaches that can absolutely improve how you engage in and experience dating.

Therefore, therapy for dating is absolutely a thing—and a resource more people should be taking advantage of to alleviate some of the stress of dating and to date from a place of empowerment and intentionality. Below, I’ve outlined five ways therapy can support your dating experience and process.

5 Ways Therapy Can Support Your Dating Experience and Goals

1. Identify and challenge self-limiting beliefs: Therapy can help you to identify some of those deeper-rooted negative beliefs and narratives you have that perpetuate underlying insecurities and fears. For example, you might hold the belief, “I’m not good enough.” If this is the case, identifying the belief, understanding its origins, and replacing it with a positive or more balanced belief can help you date with more confidence and self-assurance. When you hold the belief “I am enough” or “I am lovable,” you are less likely to internalize a bad dating experience and more likely to assert and protect yourself. When you feel good about yourself, a bad date or dating relationship doesn’t hit as hard or break you.
2. Develop assertive communication skills: Therapy can help you to learn how to be more direct and assertive when it comes to communicating expectations or setting limits or boundaries. Oftentimes, singles struggle with waiting for plans to be confirmed, communicating one’s dating goals, or being clear in what they are comfortable or not comfortable with (i.e., going to a date’s home, sex and intimacy). When you feel more equipped to communicate clearly and firmly, you are able to navigate some of those uncomfortable conversations and interactions with more ease and confidence.
3. Process unhealed attachment wounds: Therapy can help you to process past experiences and trauma that may lead to feelings of mistrust or self-doubt. Maybe there is a relationship or breakup you haven’t quite yet healed from. Maybe you experienced abuse in childhood or in a past relationship. Maybe you were bullied. These experiences are impactful and, when unresolved, often result in unhelpful thinking patterns and behaviors that make it difficult for us to relate with others in a healthy, meaningful way.
4. Understand your attachment style: Therapy can help you to understand your attachment style—how you relate and attach to others, experience intimacy, and navigate relationships. Understanding your attachment style can bring insight into how you experience dating and respond to various stressors. This increase in Self-awareness is so helpful because instead of acting on intrusive thoughts or fears (obsessing over a text message exchange, internalizing someone’s lack of interest or rejection), you can recognize them as a product of your attachment style.
5. Find more balance and joy: Therapy can help you find more balance and joy while dating. As you are probably fully aware, dating can become all-consuming—especially when you are motivated to meet your person. It’s hard not to obsess or become fixated on dating. Therefore, therapy can help you regain focus and continue to live a life that is authentic, joyful, and in alignment with your values, as you continue to date. Maintaining balance is crucial for preventing dating burnout.

Take Care of Yourself

To summarize, dating is hard and it can affect you in ways you probably didn’t know were possible. But therapy is a tool that can help you dismantle self-limiting beliefs, build skills, address and heal unresolved trauma, understand yourself better, and live more authentically as you date.

My hope is to inspire you to utilize therapy to help you navigate the natural challenges that come with modern dating, avoid dating burnout, and move toward your dating goals in your pursuit of healthy and meaningful love.

To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.