Imagine someone shares a charged, vulnerable story in a meeting and the room goes quiet. In that silence, where does your mind go?

You might reach for warmth and attunement, affirming what you heard and helping the speaker feel less alone. You might feel pulled to “zoom out,” offering a fresh frame or new possibility that helps the group make sense of the story. You might process internally, quietly connecting what was said to your own experience. Or you might scan for the facts, silently checking details for accuracy and wondering how this story translates into a tangible next step.

None of these instincts are wrong, but they represent four very different ways of processing the world. Whether conversations open up or harden often comes down to something we rarely name: what we’re listening for. Noticing your filter can help you adjust in real time, so you can really listen (and be listened to) in return.

Listening is a habit—and habits aren’t fixed

Graham Bodie, professor of communications at the University of Mississippi, describes listening as a habit-based behavior. Like other habits, he says, “listening becomes ingrained through repetition, often runs below conscious awareness, and remains malleable.”

That framing matters. If listening were a fixed trait—something you “have” or “don’t have”—we’d be stuck with our defaults. But if listening operates like a habit, we can strengthen it. We can notice our filters, experiment with new choices, and adapt our listening to what the moment requires.

Listening intelligence (LQ), a framework developed by Bodie and several colleagues, invites us to build three capacities:

• Understand ourselves. What do I naturally listen for first? What do I tend to miss?
• Connect with others. What might my conversation partner listen for first—and what might they need to feel understood?
• Adjust in real time. How can I shift what I’m listening for so we understand each other better right now?

I direct the Bridging Differences program at the Greater Good Science Center, where we help people build practical skills for staying in relationship, and collaborate on things that matter, across differences. In this work, you usually can’t get far without listening first, since high-quality listening can reduce defensiveness.

One of the most helpful things about Bodie’s listening intelligence framework is how it reframes misunderstandings in general. Many breakdowns don’t start with bad intentions; they start with two people listening to different things. That’s also a helpful reminder for bridging work: the differences we navigate aren’t just differences of identity, ideology, or politics—they’re also differences in listening habits.

Mapping our filters

To investigate our filters, my colleague Kelly and I took a research-validated assessment called the ECHO Listening Profile, which builds on earlier work on listening styles (including the Listening Styles Profile from Kitty W. Watson, Larry L. Barker, and James B. Weaver). The results gave us a map of our listening habits, including our strengths, our blind spots, and the adjustments that help us show up more skillfully in conversations.

The ECHO tool measures four filters, and everyone uses all four to some degree:

• Connective: Listens for what information means for people and relationships; tracks feelings beneath the facts.
• Conceptual: Listens for ideas, patterns, possibilities, and big-picture meaning.
• Reflective: Processes internally; filters information through experience, purpose, and personal relevance.
• Analytical: Listens for accuracy, facts, details, feasibility, and what is measurable.

According to Bodie and his colleagues, connective and reflective listening evaluate how people make relational meaning out of the message, whereas analytical and conceptual listening evaluate how people focus on different components of a message’s content.

For example, imagine a teammate says, “I’m worried we’re moving too fast. Some people in the group looked uncomfortable, and I don’t think our plan will land the way we want it to.”

• A connective listener may pick up first on the relational signal—people looked uncomfortable—and think, Who needs follow-up? What would help people feel safer or more seen?
• A conceptual listener may go to possibilities: What’s another way to structure this so it invites more buy-in?
• A reflective listener may quietly compare it to past experience and try to make meaning: I’ve seen this dynamic before—what helped then?
• And an analytical listener may want clarity and evidence: What exactly tells us we’re moving too fast? What information do we have?

None of these are “better.” They’re different entry points—and knowing them helps us listen better. Each combination brings strengths and challenges. My highest preference is connective, with conceptual close behind, which helps me connect big-picture thinking to impact. My colleague Kelly leads with conceptual, with a strong secondary preference for connective, which helps her generate possibilities without losing sight of how they land for people.

Recognizing these different “entry points” also helps us widen our own range, so we can pause, shift our attention, and lean more toward listening habits that don’t come as naturally. It also helps us draw on our other teammates. Analytical listeners, for example, help us test feasibility and accuracy by asking, What do we know to be true? What evidence supports this? Reflective listeners bring meaning and perspective, often speaking after they’ve processed internally, helping us move more carefully.

From filters to practice

According to research, high-quality listening can shift what happens inside the speaker. Studies find that when listeners display this kind of listening, speakers feel more connected and at ease, supporting deeper reflection and self-insight.

In our Bridging Differences in Higher Education Playbook, we refer to this as “listening with empathy,” and we break it into five behaviors:

• Be curious: Ask questions that encourage the other person to elaborate on their thoughts or feelings. “Tell me more” can be extremely powerful in moving a conversation along.
• Be present: Stay engaged and mentally focused. Refrain from overthinking or passing judgment, interrupting, and rushing to give advice.
• Affirm feelings or intentions: Affirm the other person’s experience, by saying things like “I can see why you would feel that way.” Note: We can affirm other people’s feelings or intentions and still disagree.
• Express empathy: Consider why they feel or think the way they do. Think less about how you would feel in their situation, and more about them.
• Use engaged body language: Use posture, eye contact (when culturally appropriate), and gestures to convey listening.

Where the two frameworks connect

The ECHO filters help us name our default “first move,” the kind of information your attention naturally prioritizes. Our listening with empathy practice gives us a set of behaviors we can choose once we notice that default, so we can respond skillfully.

For example, if we notice we’re listening primarily through a conceptual filter, we might feel pulled to reframe or generate possibilities right away. Listening with empathy invites us to start with presence and affirmation before offering ideas. Or if we notice we’re listening primarily through an analytical filter, we might want to clarify facts and feasibility. Listening with empathy invites us to pair that clarity with curiosity and empathy so the other person feels listened to, not just corrected.

Once we can identify our default filter and choose a behavior intentionally, we can start to adjust our listening in real time—based on what the conversation needs, not just what our habits reach for.

The sound engineer approach

Bodie explains that many misunderstandings start with selective attention. “In the heat of an argument, we blurt out, ‘You’re not listening to me!,’ but under the framework of Listening Intelligence, we ask a new question: Is the way that I habitually listen supporting or hindering the desired outcomes of this interaction?”

Bodie compares skillful listening to sound engineering. A sound engineer doesn’t move every knob; they adjust the knobs that matter for the mix at a given moment. “Not doing every technique at once,” he says, “but choosing the right knob for this mix, at this moment.”

Just as a sound engineer doesn’t adjust every knob, we don’t treat listening (or bridging) as the right move in every situation. We practice with guardrails: we don’t ask people to listen to others who deny their humanity or threaten their safety. We understand that sometimes the most skillful choice is to pause, set a boundary, or disengage.

Building our listening awareness

The good news is that you don’t need a listening assessment to start building your listening awareness. A tool can give you a clearer map, but you can learn a lot just by noticing what your attention reaches for first. Here are a few quick cues:

• If you find yourself tracking feelings and relationships (“How is this landing? Who feels unseen?”), you may be leading with connective listening.
• If you find yourself reaching for ideas and frames (“What’s the bigger pattern? What’s another way to see this?”), you may be leading with conceptual listening.
• If you find yourself processing internally (“What does this mean for me? What does my experience tell me?”), you may be leading with reflective listening.
• If you find yourself scanning for facts and feasibility (“What’s true? What’s the constraint? What’s the next step?”), you may be leading with analytical listening.

Here’s a simple three-step loop:

1. Set an intention to notice: Before an interaction, decide to notice what you tend to listen to, and what the other person tends to listen to. Don’t fix it yet, just set your intention.
2. Notice in the moment: Use patience to slow down enough to catch your “first move” and curiosity to pause judgment. Ask: What am I listening for? What are they listening for?
3. Reflect afterward: Take a moment to look back: What did I notice? What did I miss? What might I try differently next time?

That last step matters. As Maureen Spelman, coordinator of character initiatives and professor in the educational leadership program at North Central College, points out: “Taking time to engage in the reflective process supports deep understanding and can prompt individuals to examine their own values, beliefs, biases—leading to greater Self-awareness and personal growth.”

Most of us try to listen harder when a conversation gets difficult. Here’s a more useful shift: Listen more deliberately. Notice your listening filter, practice listening with empathy, and reflect afterward so it becomes a habit.

And remember: The goal isn’t to determine if one listening style is “best,” or to perfectly match how another person listens. Different moments may call for different kinds of listening, and we can all tune these forms of listening up or down, even if we don’t naturally lead with them. What matters is becoming more aware of our habits and more flexible in how we respond, asking ourselves what kind of listening would best serve this person, this purpose, and this moment.

If you want one simple place to start, next time a conversation is getting off the rails, ask yourself: What am I listening for right now, and what might I be missing? Then choose one small adjustment—one “knob” to turn up or behavior to turn to.

As Spelman notes, “When people take time to truly listen, they’re far more likely to act in ways that restore dignity, reduce harm, and strengthen trust.” Practiced over time, this kind of listening doesn’t just change conversations; it changes us.