No matter how much you want to make a change in your career or life, if the change requires taking risks, your brain will likely concoct rationalizations to avoid possible pain, even if the choice clearly offers personal satisfaction and meaningful success. The awkwardness of trying something new or showing up in a different way stifles courage. If you don’t carefully examine the words you use in your reasons for making decisions, the discomfort of “not knowing what will happen” might keep you from a new adventure of learning and growth.

The human brain prefers self-protection over self-actualization.

The most common reaction when facing big life decisions is to cling to the consistency provided by old goals, past experiences, and beliefs about what is right and wrong. The older you get, the better you are at the art of rationalization to avoid changing your mind or behavior. And the smarter you are, the quicker you come up with irrational rationalizations.

To trust you are making a good decision, you must first think about your thinking.

To make the best decisions about your future, you have to examine how you are thinking. To see differently, you have to dissect the sentences you tell yourself about why you should or should not do something.

This exploration is best done with someone like a coach who is trained to hear and summarize key words spoken and ask about meaning and importance in the moment. This discovery process can reveal the fear-based beliefs that seem to be the source of hesitations. The process of reflecting thoughts out loud helps to objectively observe and analyze the source of unsupported assumptions.

Start disrupting your thinking habits with self-discovery

Answering the following questions will help you choose what career/life path to take whether you plan on hiring someone to help you sort through your thoughts or not. Write or type your answers for easy dissection.

• When looking at your life, when have you felt most energized and fulfilled?
• Is there something you would love to accomplish in this lifetime?
• What do you think you will lose if you risk the security you have now?
• What could you gain if you risk the security you have now?
• What new skills would you like to learn or new knowledge do you desire to acquire?
• If you had no one to take care of and no one to tell you what is best for you, what would you most want to do?
• If you could control how people remember you, who would they describe?

After answering the questions, describe what a day would look like if you were doing and being your best self.

The 3-Word Formula

Take three pieces of paper. Write one word on top of each page: Want, Should, But.

1. Read your answers to the questions. Before your brain comes up with reasons for not taking action, place the “Want” page in front of you. Write what seems to be your heart’s desire—what would be the most fun or positively challenging for you today? Don’t consider how you would do it or what could happen, just write what thoughts and dreams come up from your answers.

Savor this first step. When you think you are done, take a breath, drink a glass of water, or go for a quick walk. Then read what you wrote on the “Want” page and write anything else that comes up.

2. Move to a different room or space for the next step with the “Should” page. Ask yourself what “shoulds” have stopped you from following your preferred path or directed your life so far without question. Write sentences describing how your life has been shaped by what you should do. Consider milestone events in your life, such as losses, gains, marriages, or partings, that led to a “should” dictating your choices. What “shoulds” come from your family or culture? When did you avoid doing something because of what you believe other people think you should do?

Don’t judge yourself for past decisions. This reflective exercise is for your Self-awareness. It is intended to expand your perspective on what choices are truly available to you.

3. Move to another space with your “But” page. Write one or a few sentences describing the direction you would like your career or life to take now. This doesn’t mean you intend to change everything today; it’s just a declaration of what you want to manifest in the next chapter of your life. It’s the verbal equivalent of creating a vision board.

For each sentence, write the word “but” and list the reason(s) you can’t act on your desires today. Maybe you need more skills and knowledge. Maybe you have to save some money (be specific on what you need to save). Maybe you have to finish school or come to closure on your current job so you feel integrity when leaving. Maybe you are just scared. Write whatever comes to mind. Then set the page aside for a day or two.

After a few days, review your “wants,” and for each “but” phrase, ask, “Is this a good reason or a rationalization to delay what I want?” Review your “Should” page to see what you have to honor or negotiate. You might ask a trusted friend or even hire a coach for a session or two to help you bypass your protective brain.

The next steps are up to you. What have you learned from doing this exercise? What is now most important to you? Regardless of when you can act on your decision, make a plan to move in the direction of your desires. Your life will feel more fulfilling and complete.