Sometimes, you find yourself feeling off. Maybe you’re extra tired, more emotional than usual, or just not yourself. Then you check the calendar and it makes sense. It’s that time of year again.

The anniversary of your pregnancy loss.
The due date that never arrived.
The start of a fertility treatment cycle that ended in heartbreak.

You didn’t mark it down. You didn’t plan for it. And yet, here you are, grieving all over again.

Anniversary Reactions: A Psychological Phenomenon

The loss of a wanted pregnancy by miscarriage, stillbirth or termination for genetic reasons can lead to grief, guilt, self-doubt, anxiety and even post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). These losses can cause both immediate and long-term psychological effects.

Anniversary reactions, sometimes called “anniversary grief,” refer to emotional or physical distress that happens around the anniversary of a significant loss or trauma. This occurs because traumatic memories are stored differently from ordinary memories. Instead of fading, they remain strongly linked to intense emotions and sensory triggers. Over time, the date or season of the event itself can become one of those cues. Smells, sights, sounds, or even the weather can unconsciously trigger the traumatic memory and the body’s alarm response. This is especially true with invisible losses, like miscarriage, stillbirth, or failed fertility treatments, all of which are griefs that often go unacknowledged by others.

Anniversary reactions can appear in many different ways. These may include:

• Intrusive memories and emotions: This is the most common pattern and can include vivid images, flashbacks or nightmares of the event, and a resurgence of the emotions felt at that time.
• Heightened arousal and anxiety: As the anniversary approaches or hits, some people feel on edge. They may experience insomnia or restless sleep, panic, have trouble concentration, startle easily, or become irritable or angry.
• Physical symptoms: Physically, the body may be in a stress-response mode. The body may show signs of tense muscles, fatigue, headaches, or unexplained pains due to excess stress.
• Avoidance and numbing: The feelings associated with the anniversary reaction can be strong. It might feel easier to withdraw from others, shut down emotionally, or go through the motions without joy or interest.
• Depression, grief, and negative thoughts: Anniversaries of loss commonly bring a surge of grief. The “what-ifs” and “what could have beens” emerge, and old thoughts are revisited, like “what if I had done something differently?”
• Irritability and anger: Some anniversary reactions manifest as anger, frustration or agitation. It’s common to feel angry that the trauma happened, angry toward those they blame for it, or just generally more reactive and frustrated than normal.

“Why Am I Feeling This Way?”

It can feel confusing when your emotions take a sudden dip, especially if you thought you were doing okay. You’re not imagining things. Your feelings have roots, even if you do not immediately see them.

Some common triggers include:

• A change in the season: Maybe spring reminds you of when you found out you were pregnant. Maybe a certain kind of cold, quiet day mirrors the one when you received hard news.
• Holidays and special occasions: Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, or New Year’s can all highlight what was lost, as can family gatherings and more.
• Milestones: A friend’s baby shower or a child starting school may echo what could have been.
• Your body’s own memory: Sometimes, even if your mind forgets, your body remembers the timing. You may feel more anxious, tired, or heavy without understanding why at first.

Tips to Prepare for Anniversary Dates

You deserve care, especially during tender moments like these. You cannot always avoid the emotions, but you can approach them with intention and compassion.

Here are some ways to care for yourself:

1. Mark the Date, If It Feels Helpful

Keeping track of meaningful dates, like the day of a loss or due date, can help you prepare emotionally and give you a chance to make a plan. Some people find comfort in rituals; others prefer to move through the day quietly. Just simply knowing the date is coming can allow you to make space for it.

2. Choose What Feels Right for You

There’s no right way to honor an anniversary. You might:

• Light a candle or write a letter to the baby you never got to meet
• Take the day off work to be with a partner or alone
• Do something creative, healing, or peaceful
• Plan something joyful to remind yourself that grief and joy can coexist

3. Let Someone Know

You do not have to go through your trauma quietly. Telling a partner, friend, or therapist that you are approaching a difficult date can create a layer of comfort and support. Even a short message like, “This week might be tough,” can help make you feel less alone.

4. Be Kind to Yourself

If the grief resurfaces, it does not mean that you are back at the beginning. It means that your love, hopes, and memories are still present. Let yourself feel what comes without judgment. You are doing the best you can.

5. Create a New Tradition

Some people find comfort in creating a ritual, like planting something beautiful, starting a yearly walk, or donating to a cause in memory of their loss. Finding ways to transform pain into meaning can be a powerful part of the healing process.

You Are Not Alone

Grief from pregnancy loss or infertility is often private, unspoken, and misunderstood. But the emotions are real. The anniversaries are real. And your reaction to them is not a weakness. It’s a sign of love, of connection, of memory.

Honor your grief, not just on the day it happened, but on all the days it echoes as a way of not getting stuck or weighted down but rather moving through it.

If you find yourself struggling, especially around anniversaries, don’t hesitate to seek help from a Mental health professional. You don’t have to go through this alone, and you don’t have to wait until it feels like an emergency to reach out.

To find a therapist near you, consult the Psychology Today Directory.