In a recent episode of The Hard Skills podcast, I dug into the double-bind familiar to so many women leaders navigating workplace politics dynamics: Speak up and risk being branded “too aggressive”; back down and risk being labeled “too soft.” As leaders, we’re expected to speak up and be open and authentic, but as women leaders, we often feel the pressure to be relational and diplomatic so we don’t “offend” or come off as “threatening.”

The good news is that balancing truth-telling with diplomacy is an essential “soft” skill for all leaders: Saying something with power yet care can demonstrate leadership gravitas, skillful communication, and shift expectations.

The Challenge: Truth vs. Diplomacy

Early in my career, I was mainly a truth-teller: honest and direct, but without understanding the impact of my words or the empathy required sometimes to understand how my words could affect others. And yes, that meant I had a few clueless, blundering moments.

Later, as I developed my leadership skills, with the help of a fantastic mentor, I became an incredibly diplomatic leader, knowing how to soften things, not say too much, and tread lightly.

As I matured in my leadership skills, however, I realized there is also a cost to those strong diplomacy skills: Over time, I over-indexed on appeasing, calming, and helping people get along and lost sight of the need to challenge unhealthy dynamics for the sake of appeasing others.

Instead, I realized that:

• Diplomacy can smooth over issues that perhaps shouldn’t be glossed over.
• It’s still good to disrupt an unhealthy pattern.
• It’s important to put up a boundary when people are taking advantage.
• It’s an absolute necessity to point out when harm is being done, and do so very directly and clearly without mincing words.

This is particularly important in two contrasting situations on teams:

1. Some teams exhibit overtly unhealthy behaviors, such as constant gossiping after meetings, blaming others without taking personal responsibility, steamrolling discussions, or monopolizing conversations to push personal agendas.
2. Other teams display more subtle, insidious issues that make it hard to identify the underlying dissatisfaction. Patrick Lencioni, author of The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, refers to this as “artificial harmony”: a situation where healthy debate and disagreement are stifled by passive-aggressive behaviors and diplomacy, all for the sake of avoiding difficult conversations.

In both roles as a team member in various professional capacities and as a team development consultant, I have learned the importance of identifying unspoken tensions, unhealthy interactions, and avoidance behaviors like resistance, control, and excessive risk mitigation that can lead to micromanagement and decision-making delays.

In an ideal situation, we balance both honesty and care. It’s easy to slip into avoidance when we soften what needs to be said. And yet, blunt truth-telling without regard erodes trust—it might land, but it damages relationships.

So, neutralizing harsh truths too readily can backfire—but so can ignoring the cost of leaving things unsaid.

Skills Required to Balance Truth-Telling With Diplomacy

For concerns to be heard and received, the following skills are required:

• Self-awareness
• Clarity on your values and goals for the discussion
• The courage to speak truth to power
• The ability to manage or sit with discomfort
• Learning to identify the better timing and setting for speaking up
• Strong emotion regulation

These are not easy to develop. But the stronger these skills are, the more impact you can have. Here’s what I have been able to do as a result of improving my own truth-telling with diplomacy and how I’ve helped so many others do the same:

• Speak up or leave professional situations when you notice consistent unhealthy behaviors.
• Clearly express the problems you see and possible solutions, rather than keeping concerns to yourself, especially when it affects many people.
• Support people you care about in ways that balance care with honesty.

Being able to identify unspoken tensions, unhealthy interactions, and avoidance behaviors like resistance, control, and excessive risk mitigation (e.g., micromanagement, decision-making delays) is a superpower. These behaviors often stem from real fears concerning safety, security, change, and uncertainty. Unless we name these issues in a way that can be heard, we cannot assist people in resetting their reactive patterns.

Developing the Skills

How can you start developing or further strengthening these skills? Here are a few ways:

1. Lead With Intention, Not Emotion

Ask yourself: What outcome do I want from sharing this? If the goal is improvement, clarity, or relationship repair—not just venting—you’ll communicate more intentionally.

2. Separate Truth From Judgment

Stick to facts, observations, and impacts. Swap “You’re not reliable” for “We missed two critical deadlines last month, which impacted the client relationship.”

3. Frame It, Respectfully

Diplomacy doesn’t mean softening reality. It means framing it in a way the other person can receive. Here are some powerful sentence starters:

• “I want to share something that might be hard to hear, but I think it’s important for both our growth.”
• “I want to be honest with you because I care about our working relationship.”
• “I’ve been sitting with something that I think is important to surface.”
• “I’m noticing a disconnect I’d like to understand better.”
• “Can I offer a perspective that might be uncomfortable but helpful?”

4. Use Empathy as a Bridge

Acknowledge the other person’s perspective or potential reaction: “I imagine this might feel frustrating to hear—I’ve been there too.”

5. Practice Clarifying

Reflect back what you see, not in a way that shames, but in a way that reveals and engages with curiosity: “Here’s a pattern I’ve noticed, and I’m wondering what’s behind it.”

Remember, this isn’t about delivering a polished speech—it’s about placing the truth within a conversation, not a confrontation.

In a world that often asks women to choose between niceness and authority, this hard skill offers a third path: clarity infused with care. Diplomacy without truth can mask dysfunction. And unfortunately, women leaders are often socialized to preserve harmony and avoid directness, which can allow unhealthy team dynamics to persist. But truth-telling doesn’t have to burn bridges. When grounded in empathy, purpose, and skillful framing, balancing truth, with care, can strengthen trust. Every leader benefits from this skill.