I’m one of those freaks who genuinely enjoys dating. Not because I typically get what I want (believe me, I don’t), but because I see dating as a transformative and educational process—one that has the power to lead us into greater authenticity and intimacy with ourselves and others.

The realization that dating can be a valuable activity in and of itself, rather than a zero-sum game where a “bad” date means a waste of time, led me to become a dating coach in 2020. I became a different kind of dating coach. Not one who says, “let’s figure out how to manipulate someone into wanting you,” but rather someone who cheers you into viewing every single dating interaction as an opportunity for empowerment. And fun, too, because that’s an essential part of dating successfully. If the goal is to create a fun and fulfilling relationship with another human, the process should reflect it!

But in a world where humans often treat each other as objects of entertainment, disposable ego-boosts, or “needs-fulfilling machines,” what does it actually look like to date with integrity and meaning? Are there steps and principles for creating a hopeful paradigm of dating? Taking things a step further—can dating be used for the greater good?

As a scholar and a coach, the most satisfying thing in the world (at least, to my brain) is to create frameworks that bridge theory with practice. To take big problems, and to be able to say, “I’ve got a framework for that.”

Enter my framework: The six pillars of mindful dating.

In this context, mindful refers to one’s commitment to awareness and integrity, versus the outdated rulebooks, automatic responses, and bad behaviors that often prevail in the dating sphere.

Practicing mindful dating is about letting go of old scripts around love, seduction, and roles, and instead, using the entire process of dating—online and offline—as a playground for developing the authentic presence and relational skills you need to love well in each moment.

Mindful dating actually lays the ground for relationships that are based on truth rather than performance, and true intimacy rather than transactionality. It is particularly resonant for people who practice mindfulness elsewhere in their lives—but might feel at a loss when it comes to dating with integrity rather than self-abandonment.

Deep visioning: owning your WHY

Hiroko came into my virtual office declaring she was ready to get married. She wanted to find her person, and to live the dream of a wedded life—yesterday. She had decided to recruit a dating coach to help her locate her future husband.

Her dating life had been a self-proclaimed disaster so far. She went on many dates, but they never progressed into any kind of commitment. I started asking questions about her deeper motivations: “Why do you want to get married?” Hiroko responded emphatically, “Because it’s that time of life! All my friends are getting married, and I want it too. The wedding, the dress, the Instagram pictures… It seems like the right thing to do. I’m 30 years old!” I further inquired: “What kind of relationship would you like to have? How do you feel about living with someone under the same roof and sharing the mundane parts of daily life?”

The response was illuminating. She expressed that she was dreading the daily realities of partnered life. Part of her was afraid of feeling stuck with the same person, of entering a “boring, sedate life.” She also wanted a life of inspiration, the freedom to focus on her art, and the freedom, potentially, to have more than one partner. At the same time, she craved the social advantages of traditional marriage.

Hiroko wanted two things at once: the social approval, validation, and status that would come with marriage as a major marker of “success” at her stage of life. Another part of her wanted to retain her autonomy, be free, and live alone.

The first step in developing a mindful dating approach with Hiroko was to come to terms with what she wanted from a deeper place—and getting clear on her personal and relational values. After a few sessions, she owned a deeper truth: she wanted the perks of marriage, but not the reality of it. She would redirect her dating efforts towards finding romantic partners with whom she could embody her values of freedom and independence, rather than attempting to fit herself into the traditional mold.

Owning our truest WHY for dating is the first step in creating an aligned dating life. If you are dating on auto-pilot and feeling disappointing results, ask yourself: Why am I dating? What does love and intimacy really mean to me in the spectrum of my life’s purpose? What am I hoping to experience? What are my socially conditioned values, versus my chosen values? Would dating with more integrity require disrupting a social script, and if so, am I willing to do so?

There are no right or wrong answers here, but a sincere inquiry into these questions leads to deeper intentionality with dating, and more aligned results.

Cultivating an empowered self-concept

A big part of dating, online and offline, is deciding how to communicate about oneself. Research shows that how we conceptualize ourselves, and particularly, with what degree of clarity, directly impacts our chances of selecting a compatible mate. Two retrospective studies by McGill University graduate students in experimental psychology found that people with lower self-concept clarity experienced more challenges making dating decisions and were more likely to date incompatible people.

Of course, what we believe about ourselves is going to deeply influence our communication. Many of us have learned to conceal our tender and vulnerable sides in order to be accepted by others, so we show up on the dating scene hiding our true selves. While that’s completely understandable, too much hiding means that no one can truly see you—making it nearly impossible to generate vibrant emotional intimacy.

Mindful dating is an opportunity to practice empowered self-expression, beginning with adopting an empowered self-narrative.

For example, one of my dating coaching clients was an exceptionally funny, bubbly, and spiritually engaged gay man who practiced meditation regularly. When I initially looked at his dating profile, I was shocked to see overly generic statements. It read something like this:

“I’m an accountant, financially stable. I like walks on the beach and travel, and I’m looking for a long-term relationship.”

Also, he was wearing sunglasses in all his pictures—making it impossible to see the brilliant spark in his eyes. When I pointed out he seemed to be hiding his true self from potential suitors, he revealed that he had repeatedly been rejected and mocked for his spirituality and humor—both by his family of origin and by previous partners. He realized that he was now preventing folks who would honor and adore these qualities in him from finding and recognizing him. He then courageously took steps to show the broader range of his true self—adding clear photos of him meditating, being goofy, and reading books, and disclosing his wide array of interests and passions within the profile. Almost instantly, the quality of matches and connections he experienced on the app started to rise!

Learning to embrace and express an empowered self-concept is not arrogance. It’s about leading with your gifts—and what Ken Page would call core gifts in his book, Deeper Dating. According to Page, core gifts are those precious parts of us that we often learn to repress during childhood, to make people around us comfortable—for example, our thirst for love, our sensitivity, our empathy, or our exuberance—but these are the parts that constitute our deepest spark, and are foundational to our ability to experience true intimacy.

Removing the veil from one’s wholesome expression is a healing journey that begins with self-reclamation, and leads to much more compatible dates. Sharing one’s gifts in dating can be vulnerable, but it can be a definitive movement away from old patterns of self-repression, and towards a commitment to authenticity.

Developing an authentic dating strategy

The third pillar is all about action! As you clarify your dating why and develop an empowered self-concept and narrative, the next question becomes: How do I integrate dating into my life in a way that is congruent with my values, interests, and lifestyle?

Forgive the financial analogy—but my recommendation is to develop an aligned dating portfolio. This is about selecting an assortment of ways you can meet new people, so that you don’t put all your eggs in one basket (just like stocks!)

This will most likely include online and offline components.

For example, one of my dating coaching clients decided to attend two in-person events per week, prioritizing dating events—and to use a dating app for 10 minutes per day. He also reached out to his community to ask for introductions to single friends they would vouch for and match his criteria. That way, he would avoid focusing entirely on online dating, and would try out different events where he could also meet new people locally—art openings, volunteer days, dinner clubs, hiking meetups, and singles’ nights. He would use this time not only to scan the room for possible love interests (although that was definitely part of it), he also utilized these opportunities to practice communication skills like asking powerful questions and listening more deeply.

As you might guess, this client built a rich social life and met lots of single women, with common interests, both online and offline. By not over-relying on dating apps, he kept dating fun, vibrant, and alive.

Practicing mindful swiping

I get it: Online dating can feel soul-sucking and dehumanizing. Algorithms gamify dating and make us feel as if we are products on a shelf, rather than whole, complex human beings with intrinsic values. Psychology researchers have even coined a word for this transactional mentality: Relationshopping. Adding the prevalence of dating app burnout to the mix, it is fair to say that dating technologies have an uncanny ability to throw us into swirls of negativity and powerlessness.

That said, most couples do meet online nowadays—and, remarkably, some research shows that relationships originating from online dating are more successful than those that started offline. In a nationally representative sample of 19,131 respondents, the late social psychologist John T. Cacioppo and colleagues found that marriages that began online were slightly less likely to result in a breakup, and reported slightly higher marital satisfaction than their offline counterparts. Perhaps a reason to not ditch dating apps just yet?

I argue that it is crucial to develop a mindful approach to social technologies—and this pillar can help you do just that. Even if you do not select online dating as part of your “dating portfolio,” you may use the principles of mindful swiping to bring mindfulness and digital hygiene into any technology use, particularly social media.

Mindful Swiping is a framework to help us use online dating as a mindfulness practice. I have created an entire workshop and blog on this, but here are the Cliffs notes.

Ritualize your use of the apps. Stop swiping “mindlessly” (dopamine-seeking, addiction-like, or angry swiping)—and create a ritual time and space around your use of the apps. I recommend turning off notifications, so that you are in charge of when and where you swipe. Every time you use the apps (and I suggest no more than 15 minutes per day), breathe deeply; be aware of your somatic state and physical posture, and reconnect with your intentions.

Creating an authentic and empowered profile. Your profile is your canvas! Use the process of profile creation as an act of genuine and truthful self-expression. Pick photos that feel like the real you, and tell a visual story. In the writeup, communicate unique qualities, interests, and values that convey the breadth and range of who you are.

Practice discernment while swiping. When swiping, use your rational mind AND your embodied intuition. What types of emotions, character, and values do they convey? Do these align with yours? Observe yourself and why you tend to swipe right or left. Remind yourself what you’re looking for.

Practice loving-kindness. Online dating is an opportunity to practice loving-kindness—a Buddhist meditation focused on sending goodwill to oneself and to others. It can rehumanize online dating by helping us remember there is a three-dimensional human on the other side of the app—a soul, a heart, a body that’s longing to be loved, just like you.

Communicating to connect

Communication in early dating can be tricky. When a connection is new, it is naturally precarious, and ripe for misunderstandings. The fact that most people rely on texting to connect with new love interests means the non-verbal elements of early interactions easily get lost. That’s why learning to communicate with clarity, authenticity, and deep curiosity is one of the most crucial skills in developing trust and intimacy.

Before you can communicate truthfully, you have to discern what it is you really feel, want, and need—not imagining and complying with what other people expect you to say. In psychological terms, that ability is called differentiation of self: It is at the core of having a sense of agency and empowerment, and is vital to building healthy partnerships and relationships of all kinds.

Once you identify your needs and feelings, you must gather the courage to express them directly (and kindly, of course). Stating your real desires means you might hear “no” for an answer, which can be terrifying. Many people do not communicate clearly because they are sensitive to rejection. On the other hand, hearing “yes” might be just as terrifying—but oh, so exciting!—because that means actual intimacy, and being seen in your truth, is within reach.

In any case, communicating with clarity is an act of kindness—to yourself, and to the other. It is a crucial part of laying a path for success no matter the outcome!

Navigating challenging emotions and integrating learning

Dating has a way of bringing up challenging emotions: Rejection, comparison, loneliness, shame, disappointment, envy, jealousy, judgment, anger, hopelessness. There is no way to completely avoid challenging feelings while keeping one’s heart open.

However, what we can do is change our relationship to those feelings. We can learn to embrace these emotions, and utilize them to grow, learn, and transform, rather than hide away and judge ourselves. In Buddhism, there is the idea that life unavoidably brings pain, in the form of loss, disappointment, or other challenging experiences: That’s the first arrow. But when we judge and condemn ourselves for feeling these emotions, that is the second arrow—the suffering we inflict upon ourselves. The first arrow is inevitable; but the second is optional.

In dating, we cannot avoid challenging emotions altogether—but we can be kind and compassionate to ourselves, and learn to become better friends with ourselves while doing it.

I always invite my clients and workshop attendees to practice positive defiance. That means choosing to keep an open heart and to practice love, kindness, and Self-compassion in the face of emotional challenges and negative self-talk. It’s choosing to approach life from a lens of acceptance, growth, and liberation—rather than constantly evaluating whether we got the short or long end of the stick.

What truly supports folks in that realm is to create a love-filled life with abundant friendships, community, activities, mutual care, and passions. When one is engaged with love, generosity, and kindness on a daily basis, romantic disappointments still hurt—but they take a much softer landing, and do not feel like existential loss.

In sum, dating doesn’t have to feel like a means to an end: It can literally become an art form when you leave the old beliefs and patterns behind, and learn to act from a deeper source of self-expression, authenticity, and self-love.