Terry Real’s influence in the world of couples therapy is hard to overstate. A bestselling author, renowned social worker, and respected clinician, Real is known for blending emotional depth with clear-eyed pragmatism. He tells the truth, but always with compassion.
Early in the COVID-19 pandemic, Real hosted a virtual gathering for fellow therapists. His message—that we could adapt our clinical skills to meet the challenges of remote work—was both comforting and energizing. That moment stayed with me, and I recalled it again when I had the chance to interview him last fall, coinciding with the paperback release of his groundbreaking book US: Getting Past You & Me to Build a More Loving Relationship.
“Who’s Right? Who’s Wrong? Who Cares?”
One of Real’s best-known mantras—“Who’s right? Who’s wrong? Who cares?”—captures the spirit of his approach to relationship conflict. Instead of focusing on blame or control, he encourages couples to adopt a collaborative, emotionally accountable mindset. As a clinician, this perspective resonates deeply. I often encourage couples to consider that, “the best way to win an argument is to lose it.” In other words, chasing “rightness” only creates disconnection. There’s no intimacy in victory if it comes at the cost of emotional safety.
Terry Real’s wording is more elegant than mine, but the gist is the same. When even one partner is willing to take ownership of their part—even if it’s only 10 percent—they help open the door to healing. Below are some takeaways from our conversation, which you can stream here.
A Common Conflict — An Emotionally Mature Path Forward
Let’s say Jane feels hurt because Jack rarely makes plans, and he didn’t plan anything for her birthday. She’s mentioned before that a thoughtful gesture now and then would mean a lot. Jack, meanwhile, feels discouraged; the last time he tried to plan something, she didn’t seem to enjoy it. Jack’s takeaway? “Why bother if it won’t be good enough?” This couple could easily spiral into defensiveness. But what if Jane said, “I realize it’s a lot of pressure when my expectations are high. I’m going to work on appreciating whatever you come up with.”? That kind of vulnerability can shift the dynamic instantly. Now, Jack might feel safe enough to say, “I know I’m not great at planning, but I should have made more of an effort for your birthday. I’m sorry.” Neither partner is “right,” but both are now on the same side—working together toward repair.
The Adaptive Child and the Wise Adult
Real also explores how unresolved wounds from childhood show up in our adult relationships. When we’re triggered, we often revert to what he calls the Adaptive Child—the part of us that developed Coping strategies early in life. These adaptations helped us survive, but they rarely support healthy, mature communication in the present. The clinical task, as Real sees it, is to notice when our Adaptive Child takes over—and to invite our Wise Adult Self to re-enter the conversation. This version of us can listen without defensiveness, take responsibility without shame, and stay committed to connection over control.
From Power Struggles to Partnership
When couples stop fighting to be “right” and instead work toward repair, something powerful happens. They stop acting as adversaries and start showing up as allies. They learn that accountability is not the same as blame—and that vulnerability is not weakness, but a doorway to intimacy.
A Transformative Resource for Couples and Clinicians
For couples who are feeling stuck—and for clinicians supporting them—US is a valuable, inspiring guide. Real’s compassionate, no-nonsense wisdom continues to enrich my clinical work and my own understanding of what it means to love well. It was an honor to speak with Terry Real, and I remain grateful for his contribution to the evolving conversation about emotional responsibility, partnership, and healing in relationships.
(You can also listen to our conversation by downloading Social Work Talks episode 120 wherever you get your podcasts.)
