Siblings….your relationship with them is one of the most important ones in your childhood and into adulthood. Parents want to help their kids get along. More than 80% of kids in the U.S. grow up with one or more siblings (more than grow up with fathers!) yet the importance of these relationships is not always recognized, much less studied.

Importance of sibling relationships

Siblings are important teachers during early childhood often providing the first roadmap to navigating peer relationships before they enter school. Positive sibling relationships have been found to provide many benefits including:

• Peer acceptance and relationships
• Social competence
• Academic achievement
• Conflict management skills
• Emotional well-being

Healthy sibling relationships provide emotional support and create a sense of connection, protecting against loneliness and depression. On the flip side when there is high sibling conflict and aggression, there is a negative impact on Mental health and wellbeing.  Even into adulthood relational sibling aggression has been linked to depression, low self esteem and participation in risky behaviors. 

Conflict

Sibling relationships are generally more emotionally charged than relationships with their peers. Similar to kids treating teachers differently than their parents, they also treat siblings differently than they do their peers. Kids feel a sense of safety (in healthy relationships) with siblings that can result in more explosive or higher emotion interactions. This is where parents play a pivotal role in supporting healthy sibling relationships. When you can help your kids get along, it improves their individual well-being and the overall family dynamics.  

Introduction of a new sibling

For a first born child the introduction of a sibling into their life can bring a range of emotions. Most kids are happy to a degree to have another child in the family, but with that excitement there may also be some anxiety and resentment. It is important for parents to acknowledge the change for the firstborn. Here are some actions to implement:

• Introduce the idea of a new sibling during the pregnancy
• Include your firstborn (and other kids) into conversations about the baby that are age appropriate (names, setting up a room, etc) 
• Let them talk to the baby and learn about the pregnancy (as appropriate) if they are interested
• Once the baby comes, make sure to include them in the ‘fussing over’ and with visitors
• Support their role as an older sibling
• Read books about siblings and new babies

Encourage your firstborn to help with caring for the baby (while not parentifying them). Remember to maintain a special relationship with them that is separate from the baby.

Toddler conflict

Toddlerhood is a time where you will start to see more sibling conflict. During the toddler stage there is an incredible amount of intellectual, social and emotional development happening. It is an important time, and you begin to see many new and emerging behaviors like:

• Increased autonomy: I want to do it all by myself!
• Testing limits: NO!
• Development of impulse control
• Temperament emerges: 3 main categories (Easy/Flexible, Active/Feisty, Slow to warm up/Cautious)

You will likely see conflicts over toys or other ‘things’. A toddler might proclaim something as ‘MINE!’ and become upset over requests to share. If a sibling accidentally (or purposely) knocks over something they have built, there may be a tantrum or another strong reaction directed towards whomever did it.

These can be stressful moments (hours!) especially when it happens in a public place, but there is an effective research based approach to dealing with these strong emotions. When a parent uses Emotion Coaching, it helps a child learn how to self regulate and deal with emotions in a healthy way. 

Emotion Coaching

Created by Dr. John Gottman, Emotion Coaching is a 5 step method to use with children to increase their emotional awareness and communication skills. Research has shown that children having Emotional intelligence (EQ) is even more important than IQ in terms of them having positive outcomes as adults. By increasing emotional responsiveness to your children, you will help them gain this EQ. The method is also effective for parents to use during times of conflict and distress.

Step 1: Being aware of your child’s emotion

Parents must first be aware of their own emotions before they will have awareness of their child’s emotion. 

Step 2: Recognizing the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching

This is particularly important when your child is experiencing a ‘negative’ emotion like anger, sadness, or fear. Ignoring the emotion or trying to make your child happy does not teach a child how to deal with negative feelings that will continue to arise. 

Step 3: Listening empathetically and validating your child’s feelings

Empathetic listening requires tuning into your child’s emotions and noticing facial expressions, body language, and other movements. It means trying to see the situation from their perspective- empathy. Then you reflect back what you are hearing, seeing and what they might be feeling.

Step 4: Help your child verbally label emotions

Labelling emotions goes hand in hand with empathy. Helping your child find words to describe what they are feeling has a soothing effect on the nervous system and will help them recover more quickly from the upsetting situation.

Step 5: Setting limits while helping your child problem solve

Dr. Gottman has identified 5 steps to this process (1) limit setting, (2) identifying goals, (3) thinking of possible solutions, (4) evaluating solutions based on family values and (5) helping your child choose a solution.

Conflict between school aged children

Sibling conflict at this age is often linked to sibling rivalry. It can manifest as verbal arguments, physical fights, and feelings of resentment. It can stem from a desire for parental attention, love, and acceptance. The good news is that parents have quite a bit of control in minimizing sibling rivalry. 

Sibling Rivalry

This type of conflict starts to emerge in elementary school and can be present though high school and beyond. Sibling rivalry is jealousy, competition and fighting that occurs between or among siblings. Often times it can be related to performance in sports, academics, or in behavior. Sometimes kids connect their lovability to their ability to perform. It can also be a result of parents or other adults making comparisons among siblings. Kids may feel like their ‘place in the family’ is jeopardized if their sibling does better than they do. It is important for parents to never compare a child to their sibling(s). Here are some tips to prevent sibling rivalry:

• Avoid comparisons between kids
• Recognize each child as an individual
• Nurture individual relationships with each child
• Create an environment of cooperation vs competition
• Promote family activities and regular family meals together

Favoritism

Favoritism is when children perceive their parent(s) having a preference for one child over another. Maybe a parent buys more things for one child or lets another go out with friends more often. Perhaps boundaries and consequences look different from one child to another. Being fair does not always mean being equal. Depending on the age, development, and gender of each child there might be differences, but it is important to be transparent about them. As much as possible, parents should have the same expectations, boundaries and consequences for all children making allowances and adjustments  for age and developmental differences.

Teen conflict

As children enter their teenage years, it can be easy for parents to favor a child without meaning to. Perhaps one child is easier to get along with and easier to parent. It is natural that you may be inclined to let them use the car more or stay out later. However, this can lead to conflict between your teens, and ultimately that conflict can negatively impact both their relationship and them as individuals.

The ways that teen sibling conflict manifests is not drastically different than other times. They just tend to argue about different things. Here are types of arguments you might see:

• Invasion of personal space
• Using their clothes or other possessions
• Use of car, computer, game console or other shared items
• Fairness of parents’ treatment

Parents might normalize this behavior and say ‘it’s part of growing up and they can work it out.’ However, helping them work through conflict is still an important parental role. And if you can continue helping them do it with consistent boundaries and empathy, you will nurture their sibling relationship and promote family harmony. 

How parents can promote healthy sibling relationships

There is a certain tension that parents experience around fair treatment of their children. While we know that each of our children is different and responds to different types of feedback of intervention, siblings might see that as giving one child ‘special treatment.’  Any kind of preferential or perceived preferential treatment has a negative impact on the relationship between those children. So parents must be careful and intentional about how they communicate and enforce rules and expectations within the family.

Help your kids get along

Here are some tips to promoting positive sibling relationships:

• Don’t play favorites
• Appreciate each child for who they are and not what they do
• Teach your children positive ways of getting attention from each other
• Do not take sides during arguments (even when one sibling may be ‘right’)
• Coach your children through conflict 
• Recognize patterns of the day when a child may need down time without sibling interaction

Final thoughts

Sibling relationships are often the longest relationships you will have in your lifetime. Having a sibling means having someone who truly understands your experience which is invaluable in healthy child development. As kids grow up and become adults, that feeling of being understood continues to have importance. This shared experience is unique and powerful, and there are ways that parents can and should nurture and support it.