I am often asked, “how do I know if I am in an emotionally abusive relationship?” And I always respond with, “Well, how do you feel in your relationship?” This response can be frustrating for those individuals who are looking for a checklist—an itemized list of specific behaviors that they can label as “abusive.” Unfortunately, because emotionally abusive relationships are often complex and more nuanced, the abuse can be hard to detect and put one’s finger on.

Emotionally abusive relationships don’t typically start off as abusive. The abuse occurs slowly and gradually—once trust has been established and emotions are involved. Through coercive and controlling behaviors, the emotionally abusive partner creates a power and control dynamic that systematically diminishes your sense of self-worth and your ability to trust your judgment and intuition—this can make it hard to see the relationship for what it is. Therefore, it’s important to focus on how you are feeling in the relationship, physically and emotionally.

Healthy relationships offer you peace and security

In a healthy and mutually respectful relationship, you generally feel safe, relaxed and at ease. You feel comfortable around your partner and can be yourself around your partner. You can express your feelings, thoughts and concerns freely and without fear of judgment or consequence. Ultimately, there is a sense of peace and security.

Emotionally abusive relationships are inherently stressful

Alternatively, abusive relationships are inherently stressful. Even the most mundane aspects of a relationship can feel quite challenging and this stress can manifest in various ways. You might notice yourself crying more often or feeling more emotionally dysregulated. You might feel more irritable or on edge. Or, you might notice that you feel more checked out or numb or have become emotionally detached from your relationship. You also might notice yourself feeling scared or anxious when in the presence of your partner, or you might find yourself actively doing things you wouldn’t typically do to avoid conflict or to appease your partner.

Your body takes on the stress of your emotionally abusive relationship

In addition to the impact that these relationships can have on your Mental health and emotional state, this type of stress and trauma can also take a toll on your body. When you are in crisis or in a high stress situation, your nervous system is activated prompting that “fight/flight/freeze” response. And when the stress is chronic or persistent and you do not have the ability or opportunity to recover, your body responds accordingly and maintains this highly activated state. Basically, your nervous system is hijacked and your body becomes flooded with a surplus of stress hormones (i.e.cortisol, adrenaline).

While these hormones, by design, are adaptive in so many ways by helping us to respond to threats and protect ourselves from danger, when they exist in our body in excess they can weaken or compromise our immune system and negatively impact our physical health. So, it can be helpful to think of your body and health as an informant—communicating to you when things aren’t okay or when you are in a relationship or situation that is harmful to you. Your body and gut is your super power, especially when you are unable to connect to your emotions (which is a common defense mechanism).

Below are examples of how the stress of an abusive relationship can manifest in your body

• chronic headaches or migraines
• chronic fatigue/low energy
• digestive issues
• weight loss
• hair loss
• high blood pressure
• muscle tension
• back pain
• inconsistent or irregular periods
• insomnia
• poor memory/memory loss
• brain fog

Tune in to how you are feeling

Take some time to connect with your body and how you are feeling. Ask yourself the following questions:

1. Have there been any noticeable changes in my mood or mental state since being in this relationship?
2. How might I be acting or behaving differently that may indicate I’m not okay?
3. How do I feel around or in the presence of my partner?
4. What feelings come up when I think about my partner or relationship?
5. Have there been any noticeable changes in my body or physical health?

Try approaching these questions with curiosity and non-judgment. Everyone responds to stress differently (including emotional abuse), but you know yourself and your body better than anyone. If you are noticing changes in your mood or mental state or body and how it’s functioning, pay attention to these signals and respond with love and care.