Even in the most loving relationships, there will be times when you are hurt or angered by your partner’s behavior. This can range from smaller annoyances to larger betrayals: if they say the wrong thing, act irresponsibly with money, shirk child care responsibilities, or express little sexual desire, for example.

While conflicts or unmet expectations may stress your relationship, it’s important to remember that even big rifts need not be fatal. If you can learn to work through your difficult feelings of anger and blame and find forgiveness for your partner, it may help your relationship not just survive, but thrive. Even in situations where leaving a relationship may be advisable—for example, if there is ongoing lying and betrayal—forgiveness may still be beneficial to you.

Unfortunately, many of us don’t think of forgiving when we’ve been wronged. In part, that may stem from misunderstandings about what forgiveness in a relationship means, says researcher Fred Luskin, director of Stanford University’s Forgiveness Project. We confuse forgiving with condoning what happened—or believe it’s only necessary in situations where we plan to reconcile with our partner. We may even see it as a sign of weakness, leaving us open to further mistreatment.

But, in truth, forgiveness is none of those things, says Luskin. Instead, it’s a conscious choice to help yourself by loosening your grip on rumination, blaming your partner, or wanting vengeance because of what happened. By working on forgiveness, we soothe ourselves, open up a path to inner peace, and, potentially, help heal our relationship—if we choose to stay in it.

The benefits of forgiveness in relationships


In long-term relationships, we get plenty of opportunities to get upset about one thing or another. Two human beings, no matter how in love they are, aren’t going to consistently meet each other’s expectations, says Luskin. But we shouldn’t always equate our disappointment with our partner being at fault.

“A lot of what goes on in a relationship is that we just see it wrong, and we blame people when they haven’t done anything,” says Luskin. “Understanding that I’m with a fallible, flawed human is the underpinning of long-term, successful couples.”

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t acknowledge harm or should talk yourself out of standing up for yourself. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting, despite the popular saying “Forgive and forget,” says Luskin. Instead, it’s a way of being clear-eyed and making wise choices.

“There’s something about forgiveness that looks bad behavior in the eye, names it, allows oneself to feel it, but fully moves on from it,” says Luskin. “That’s a quality of maturity, sacrifice, sometimes commitment . . . that can help relationships grow.”

In line with this thinking, research has found that being more forgiving helps us maintain our relationships, in part by decreasing negativity and motivating us to make more effort to improve them. And as we age and strong relationships become even more important for our health, forgiveness seems to help us feel more satisfaction in our relationships, too.

Those who are more forgiving tend to be better at resolving their conflicts, and Self-compassion-and-Forgiveness-Major-Predictors-o” title=””>enjoy happier, more satisfying partnerships. In fact, Luskin says, being able to forgive matters more for preserving long-term relationships than other things you might expect to matter—like agreement around how to spend money.

“The crucial thing, which surprises me, is how important forgiveness is for long-term successful relationships of any kind,” he says. “We are not usually taught that.”

Forgiveness also seems to be good for us as individuals, too: More forgiving people tend to have greater well-being and better Mental health. By practicing forgiveness, we let go of residual pain and grief and find a way to move on with our lives, beyond suffering.

“The thing about forgiveness that makes it so critical is that, when we do it, it’s the last stop on the train,” says Luskin. “You’re no longer ensnared in a problem, you’ve resolved it. And that’s huge.”

What gets in the way of forgiveness

That doesn’t mean everyone is ready to forgive, though, or that forgiveness is always the right choice for you. Your safety should always come first, and this article is not meant to speak to abusive relationships.

Otherwise, how hard it is to forgive our partner can depend on a lot of things, including how serious we feel the transgression is. For example, we might be willing to forgive a spouse if he’s constantly late for dinner and making us wait, but find it harder to forgive his infidelity.

How easy it is to forgive may also depend on whether the transgression was a one-time occurrence or is ongoing, or on whether they sincerely apologize or agree to make amends. For example, it might be easier to forgive a partner who apologizes for drinking too much one night and making a fool of herself, but harder to try forgiving her for refusing to seek treatment for ongoing alcohol addiction.

Choosing to forgive may also depend on whether you’re in a long-standing, committed relationship, where it seems worth letting go of minor transgressions. In a newer relationship, you may be tempted to cut ties rather than go through the process of forgiving.

While there is no hard rule around any of these factors—for example, people can forgive even large, ongoing harms—it’s worth noting that some of our willingness may be due to our own characteristics, rather than what happened to us. For example, research has found that people who are more neurotic—meaning, they tend to experience the world more negatively and feel more irritable, anxious, and depressed—tend to be less willing to forgive.

Our attachment styles can also make a difference in how readily we forgive. If we are more secure in our attachments—meaning, we tend to know we are loved and can trust others—we are more apt to forgive our partner when they do something hurtful. In fact, if just one member of a couple is securely attached (and, therefore, more forgiving), it can lead to greater relationship satisfaction even if the other person is more neurotic or insecurely attached.

There are other important barriers to forgiveness, too, says Luskin, like having the emotional resources and time to forgive. You can’t rush forgiveness, he says, and trying to do a “spiritual bypass” (where you use spiritual practices superficially in order to avoid truly dealing with difficult emotions) is not going to work in the long term. Forgiveness is a process with many, not-always-linear steps; so, it’s important to take the time for it to be effective.

If your emotions are just too intense, perhaps because past trauma is magnifying your reaction to the present situation, you may need to wait before practicing forgiveness for a particular transgression.

While forgiveness is always a choice, consulting with a therapist may help you decide what’s best for you. Often, a willingness to forgive is influenced by our upbringing or a misunderstanding around the nature of forgiveness. Whatever the case, it can help to talk to someone you trust, who has your best interests at heart.

How to practice forgiveness

Despite these barriers to forgiveness, there are also strengths that we can cultivate to help us forgive when it’s the right thing for us. Being more empathic and compassionate is tied to being more forgiving, says Luskin; so, developing those qualities can help us with forgiveness, in general.

Another skill that matters is being grateful, he says, probably because it helps take the focus off all that’s wrong and see what’s beyond that.

“If you have trained your mind to see the good in your partner, you’re going to be much more likely to forgive them. And, if you find the good in yourself, you’re going to be more likely to forgive yourself,” he says. “That’s one of the more robust things in the research—that gratitude presages forgiveness.”

Once you’ve made a decision to forgive, it may help to think of it like a skill that gets easier with practice. On our Greater Good in Action website, we outline nine steps to forgiveness that you can try out yourself. These steps involve things like reflecting on your experience, making a commitment to forgive, changing your perspective, and letting go of rumination. While not aimed at couples specifically, they have been found to help women experiencing marital problems become more satisfied in their relationship.

This method has been tested on numerous populations, even including Irish women whose children were murdered during the Troubles. Going through the nine steps has been found to be helpful in reducing difficult emotions, like anger, stress, depression, and anxiety; increasing a sense of physical health; and improving sleep.


In ongoing relationships, there are often opportunities to try forgiving smaller transgressions—like a hurtful comment or a missed date night—before tackling larger issues. By learning how to not perseverate on the small things, we can build our forgiveness muscle to prepare for bigger or more challenging hurts and frustrations.

Of course, forgiveness might not be the only step to take when there are conflicts in your relationship. You may still need to be assertive and negotiate for changes in your partnership or to seek justice, depending on the situation. But forgiving someone can be a good first step, helping you move past reactionary impulses and move forward.

Whatever the case, forgiving someone you love is always a potential choice that may benefit you and your relationships. Even if your coupledom ends, forgiving can help you preserve your sense of self and leave you better prepared for whatever comes. And that can help you in life generally, says Luskin.

“There’s suffering everywhere. There’s impermanence, and you’re going to get old and lose everything, and you need to get used to it,” he says. “I think cultivating a higher degree of existential forgiveness is . . . a kind of broadening that will help you make peace with your life.”