Some of the most challenging moments in parenting occur when we need to provide comfort and guidance to our child during a time when we are also hurting. And one of the biggest challenges we may face is when we or a loved one has been diagnosed with a terminal illness. These situations may involve ambiguity that itself causes anxiety (when will this happen, how will it happen?), intense emotions to manage (in ourselves, the person who is dying, and our child), and logistics that themselves can be daunting. 

Unfortunately, this is a reality with which many parents must grapple. In fact, this trend may be increasing in the United States, with potentially terminal illnesses, such as cancer, becoming more common. In 2025 alone, about 2 million individuals are projected to be diagnosed with cancer in the U.S. When our own illnesses, or those of our loved ones, have reached the terminal stage, we must face the incredibly difficult task of coming to terms with the diagnosis while simultaneously being a supportive and loving presence for our children.


Talking to your child about any difficult situation can feel overwhelming, and this one may feel nearly impossible. To support you in this process, we have broken it down into seven steps, based on our research and clinical work with families, as well as the work of other professionals.

1. Steady yourself

Take some time to calm yourself before beginning the conversation. This might involve taking a walk, practicing deep breathing, listening to soothing music, or talking to a family member or friend about your feelings. Everyone’s process is different, so choose activities that help you feel more centered and prepared.

2. Make a plan

Remember, this conversation doesn’t need to happen right away. While you may already have the information, your child doesn’t need to know immediately. Take some time to plan how you want to approach the conversation. Consider these questions:

• When is the right time to tell them? If you have the luxury of time, you might want to wait until they will have uninterrupted time to sit with their feelings rather than telling them right before school in the morning or right before bedtime on a weeknight.
• Where would be a comfortable place for the conversation? Most children find it easier to have personal conversations in a private setting, such as at home or in a quiet outdoor space. Ideally, choose a location that allows your child to speak openly while also offering the option for alone time afterward. This way, they can retreat to their room or go for a walk if they need space to process their emotions.
• Who do you want to be present during the conversation? Where does your child usually turn for comfort? How can you create a setting that ensures they’ll feel supported? If you are the one who is ill, it may be helpful to have another trusted adult—such as the other parent or a support figure—present to help comfort your child. Similarly, if the other parent is ill, your presence can help your child process their emotions. You should also think carefully about whether the person with the illness should be present during the initial conversation. If the ill individual plays a central role in your child’s emotional life, it may be important for them to be part of the conversation. However, if they are likely to become very emotionally overwhelmed, it might be best to begin with a conversation between the child and another supportive adult, and follow up later with the person who is ill.
• How will you explain the situation? It is best to think ahead of time of how you are going to talk about this to your child. Will you take this as an opportunity to talk about the life cycle, or do you want to ground this in a conversation about religion? As painful as conversations about illness and death can be, they create opportunities for talking to children about meaningful topics.

Thinking through these details can help you feel more confident when you do sit down to talk.

3. Assess your child’s understanding and readiness

Tailor your approach based on your child’s age and prior experiences with illness, death, or loss. Reflect on whether they have encountered loss before—perhaps the passing of a pet or a story from a book or movie. Relating this new information to something familiar can make an abstract concept more understandable, teaching your child about what causes death and how a person might feel and behave afterward.

For example, you might say, “Remember in The Lion King, when Simba’s dad dies? Do you remember how it happened? That’s right—Mufasa, Simba’s dad, died. He was attacked by Scar and he got very badly hurt. That caused his heart to stop pumping blood, and you can’t live if your heart can’t pump blood anymore. He stopped breathing and his body shut down. Do you remember how Simba felt? Yes, Simba was very sad for a long time. He also blamed himself for his dad’s death. He was so upset and felt so guilty about it that he ran away. But it wasn’t Simba’s fault, was it? No, it was Scar’s fault.”

Planning the words you will use to explain the situation can help to ease anxiety. Simple, concrete language works best (e.g., “I am very sick now. I am not going to get better. It’s so hard to say this, but I am going to die”). Avoid using metaphors (e.g., “I am going to a better place”), as they can confuse children, make the message unclear, and prevent grieving.

4. Have the initial conversation

This first conversation may be the hardest. Keep it brief and as clear as possible, using straightforward language. It’s important to be empathic and warm, of course, but take your cue from your child regarding how much closeness they want at that moment. After sharing the news, offer comfort by doing a familiar activity together, like drawing, cuddling, or watching a movie.

Creating a sense of closeness can help your child feel more secure. However, if they decline this offer, it’s best to honor their wish for space from you. Take solace in knowing that many children need some separation after hearing upsetting news. They will likely return to you once they have had a chance to process the information. 

5. Keep the door open for future conversations

Children process difficult news differently—some might become visibly upset, while others may seem unaffected at first. Allow space for your child to revisit the topic over time. Be open to questions and comments, even if they come up unexpectedly (like at the grocery store). Letting your child know they can talk to you whenever they’re ready is important; otherwise, children may perceive that it is not acceptable to talk about these topics (with you or in general). Children may feel shame about their emotions or worry that their thoughts are unacceptable.

If your child is older and the conversation can be delayed, it’s OK to gently suggest a better time to talk. You might say, “I’m really glad you brought this up—it’s such an important topic. Right now, I can’t give it the full attention it deserves because I need to pay for the groceries. Can we talk more about it when we get home, maybe over some hot chocolate?”

6. Help your child understand the road ahead

Guiding your child through this difficult journey can help make it feel less overwhelming to them. While it’s impossible to predict the exact progression of your own or your loved one’s illness, it’s important to gently explain that it will ultimately lead to death. Let your child know that experiencing a wide range of emotions is normal—anger, fear, sadness, guilt, and even numbness are all natural reactions. Reassure them that there is no “wrong” way to feel in this situation. Emotions are messy, just like life is messy, and if there’s any time for emotions to get messy, it’s around a death. Communicating that to your child can be helpful, and you can start by telling them or even showing them that you are having strong feelings that sometimes overwhelm you.

At the same time, it can be helpful to offer your child practical ways to manage their emotions. They might find comfort in deep breathing exercises, expressing their feelings through journaling or art, or holding on to a stuffed animal that brings them a sense of safety. Providing these Coping strategies can help them feel more in control during a challenging time. And all the better if you model using these Coping strategies for them, showing them how you also need to use strategies to manage your feelings when they are strong.

7. Create opportunities for contact and meaning-making

Situations involving death inevitably raise questions about whether children should have contact with the dying person and, if so, what that contact should look like. This is a very personal decision, and it depends on many factors, including the relationship the child has with the person who is dying, the nature of their illness, your child’s personality, and where the dying person lives.

Generally speaking, professionals recommend allowing or encouraging your child to have meaningful contact with the dying relative if they are comfortable doing so. Even though the dying person might not be able to engage in activities involving active play, they may be able to participate in simple, gentle activities like coloring, cuddling, talking, or reading a book.

Additionally, you can help your child create meaningful memories of the loved one, whether by sharing stories and family rituals about or with the person, or by making keepsakes, like a photo album. Encouraging your child to savor positive memories with this person—even before they’ve passed—sends a powerful message that it’s not only OK, but healing, to talk about loved ones who are seriously ill. It helps normalize sharing memories and creates a meaningful habit that can continue and offer comfort after the person is gone.

Research finds that reflecting on positive relationship memories supports emotional well-being—and by modeling this, you give your child a valuable tool they can carry forward.

By taking these steps, you can help your child navigate a difficult situation with understanding and support. Once you’ve steadied yourself, planned the conversation, and had the first of many difficult talks with your child, what comes next? If you’ve made it this far, it’s important to recognize how brave you’ve been in taking these steps. Despite the overwhelming circumstances, you’ve created space for your child to feel supported, and you’ve shared coping skills and made meaningful memories together.

At this point, you will likely find that some days will be full of connection and comfort, while others may feel frightening, frustrating, and even impossible. It’s OK to acknowledge the difficult days and remember that there is no “right” way to experience this. It’s a journey, and you can return to these steps—especially grounding yourself (through step one)—as often as needed.

The process of navigating this incredibly challenging time may not be linear, but by providing your child with honesty, support, and a safe space to process their feelings, you are helping both of you move through it with love.