As human beings, we often fall prey to all-or-nothing thinking. The American Psychological Association defines this as dichotomous thinking—the tendency to interpret experiences in terms of polar opposites: good or bad, happy or sad, success or failure. At first glance, this kind of thinking might seem harmless, maybe even motivating. But research suggests the consequences are anything but benign.
In fact, polarized thinking is closely tied to Mental health challenges. A 2018 paper by Mosaiwi et al., titled In an Absolute State: Elevated Use of Absolutist Words Is a Marker Specific to Anxiety, Depression, and Suicidal Ideation, analyzed online forums and uncovered a striking pattern. The researchers found that discussions about anxiety and depression contained significantly higher rates of absolutist language, words like always, nothing, completely, compared to general forums. Even more concerning, the use of this black-and-white language was most pronounced in forums focused on suicidal ideation.
The dangers of dichotomous thinking extend beyond Mental health. Palascha and colleagues explored this phenomenon in the realm of dieting and weight management. In The Journal of Health Psychology, they reported that among 241 adults surveyed, those who held rigid, black-and-white beliefs about food were more likely to experience a pattern familiar to many: strict dieting followed by weight regain. Their findings suggest that such rigid beliefs can actually sabotage our efforts toward healthy eating.
Simply put, thinking in extremes doesn’t serve us well.
And yet, we repeatedly apply this same flawed mindset when it comes to finding purpose. Our society tends to promote a narrow, winner-takes-all view of what it means to live a meaningful life. Purpose gets equated with grand achievements or lofty titles. We tell ourselves: Become a millionaire or you’ve fallen short. Graduate medical school or you’ve failed. Land a job at one of the Big Five accounting firms or settle for a lesser position with a lesser company.
The problem is that these rigid definitions of success set many of us up for disappointment. Often, we lack the skills, knowledge, resources, or privilege to attain these specific goals. The result is often anxiety and depression. A deep sense that we’re failing at life’s most important task: finding purpose. We box ourselves into an unwinnable game, and unsurprisingly, many of us end up asking: Why even try?
The solution isn’t to pick bigger, flashier, or more audacious goals. Nor is it to give up altogether. The real key is far simpler and much more powerful: we need to move beyond dichotomous thinking entirely.
Purpose doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing proposition. It can and should be incremental.
If you dream of becoming a millionaire, what if you first focus on making your first thousand dollars? If being a doctor calls to you, perhaps your first step is to take a course in biology or anatomy and see how it feels. Dreaming of a Big Five accounting career? Start by preparing for and passing your CPA exam.
Purpose unfolds in small steps. It’s not about leaping straight to some grand destination. Instead, it’s about engaging deeply in meaningful activities, one step at a time. In fact, the end goal isn’t the most important part. The journey, those moments of incremental progress toward something that matters to you, is where purpose lives.
Purpose isn’t something foggy and far off in the future. It’s here, now, in this very moment. You don’t have to wait for purpose. You can start building it today.
If you’re unsure how to shift away from dichotomous thinking around purpose, here are a few practical strategies to get started:
Separate the forest from the trees
You might dream of leaving your job as an engineer to become a doctor. Maybe, realistically, that’s not in the cards. But that doesn’t mean you can’t engage in activities that let you help others. Volunteer at a hospital. Use your engineering skills to assist with medical device development. The possibilities are broader than your original vision.
Focus on doing, not becoming
If you want to be an author, write. Don’t worry about becoming a New York Times bestseller. We’re shaped far more by our actions than our titles. Desires can inspire us, but it’s what we do that defines us.
Remember that every marathon starts with the first step
We often underestimate the power of small beginnings. Every doctor took a first biology class. Every author wrote a first paragraph. Every entrepreneur made that first sale. The first step creates momentum, and momentum carries you forward.
In the end, dichotomous thinking can damage our Mental health and block our path to meaning. Especially when it comes to purpose, we must let go of the idea that it’s all or nothing. Growth happens through fits and starts, through small actions that light us up and shape who we’re becoming.
The real obstacle isn’t that purpose is big, rare, or difficult to find. The obstacle is how we think about it. Purpose isn’t a distant mountaintop we either reach or fail to reach. It’s abundant. It’s alive. And it reveals itself in the small, incremental achievements of everyday life.
Purpose isn’t something we discover at the end of the journey. It’s something we pursue along the way. On a path that’s often still unfolding.
