Infidelity is probably one of the most painful and destabilizing events that can occur in a romantic relationship. It breaks trust, can lead to psychological trauma, emotional suffering, or even the onset of mental illness, and often raises questions about the future of the relationship.

As a couples therapist, I’ve noticed that the meaning of infidelity, or cheating, in relationships may vary across individuals. For this reason, it’s essential for marriage or relationship partners to clearly define what they consider a breach of fidelity. Most commonly, infidelity is seen as emotional or physical intimacy with someone outside the relationship, where the involvement is kept secret and would be hurtful to the partner if discovered.

It may also be helpful to distinguish infidelity, or cheating, from other forms of relationship betrayal. While betrayal can be deeply painful, it doesn’t necessarily involve physical or emotional intimacy (e.g., financial secrecy).

Causes of Infidelity

Pathological Infidelity

There are instances in which infidelity is pathological. In these cases, it typically involves underlying personality or psychological difficulties. Affairs in such cases may serve as a way to create emotional distance from the partner due to a fear of intimacy or a feeling of being trapped in a stable relationship. It may also reflect a core belief—often rooted in early life—that one is unlovable or undesirable. The affair then becomes a coping mechanism or source of validation.

Common Factors Contributing to Infidelity

Based on both research evidence and my extensive experience working as a marriage counselor and couples therapist, I would mention the following most common factors contributing to infidelity:

1. Unmet Emotional Needs and Lack of Intimacy

Many individuals report feeling emotionally or physically disconnected in their marriage or committed relationship. Over time, the absence of closeness or responsiveness may lead one partner to seek a connection outside the relationship. The risk of infidelity increases when this is combined with easier access to others through digital platforms or workplace proximity.

2. Low Self-Esteem and Insecurity

Some individuals engage in affairs as a way to temporarily enhance their self-esteem or escape from deep-rooted insecurity. This is common in those with attachment difficulties, unresolved childhood trauma, a fragile self-image, or long-standing beliefs of being unlovable. For these people, extramarital affairs can become an easy source of external validation.

3. Retaliation or Resentment

Cheating in relationships can also be driven by emotional hurt, unresolved conflict, or a desire to punish the partner. A partner who feels ignored, betrayed, or controlled may turn to an affair as a form of retaliation or to restore a sense of power in the relationship.

4. Psychological and Personality Factors

Narcissistic personality traits, impulse control difficulties, or unmet developmental needs stemming from past rejection and abandonment are also associated with higher rates of infidelity.

Consequences of Infidelity

The emotional and psychological consequences of infidelity can be severe, especially for the betrayed partner.

Betrayal Trauma and Emotional Distress

Infidelity is a form of interpersonal betrayal that can result in psychological trauma. Many betrayed partners report experiencing flashbacks, nightmares, self-destructive behavior, intrusive thoughts and images, increased reactivity, rumination, sleep difficulties, emotional numbing, loss of interest in activities and feeling guilt and shame—symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Self-Worth Issues and Loss of Trust

Trust violations damage the emotional foundation of a relationship. The betrayed partner may develop chronic suspicion, hypervigilance, or detachment, making it difficult to re-establish an emotional connection. Infidelity can also affect self-worth and personal identity. The injured partner may experience feelings of rejection, inadequacy, or shame, while the participating partner may struggle with guilt, confusion, or self-loathing.

Family and Social Repercussions

Affairs can disrupt family dynamics, cause tension within the social system and with extended relatives, and create confusion or distress for children. These ripple effects can complicate the recovery process.

Therapeutic Recovery from Infidelity: Common Principles of An Integrative Approach

Challenges in Affair Recovery Therapy

Infidelity is one of the most common reasons couples seek counseling or therapy. However, the success of therapy depends on both partners’ motivation to engage in the process, even when the goals may not be clearly defined at the outset.

Phase 1: Stabilization and Emotional Regulation

This initial stage of infidelity therapy focuses on containing the emotional crisis that typically follows the discovery or disclosure of an affair. Therapeutic goals at this stage include:

• Managing symptoms such as acute anxiety, depression, intense anger, impaired impulse control, or increased substance use.
• Establishing Boundaries: If the partners decide to move forward together, the participating partner needs to end all contact with the affair partner to allow trust rebuilding to begin.
• Emotional Regulation and Self-Care: Couples therapy for infidelity introduces techniques such as relaxation, mindfulness, and time-outs to reduce reactivity and promote individual self-regulation.
• Managing Flashbacks and Triggers: Affair-related triggers can lead to emotional flooding. Therapy works on recognizing and processing such triggers to reduce distress.

Phase 2: Gaining Insight into the Affair

This stage focuses on understanding the factors that contributed to the infidelity. This process involves:

• Exploring individual vulnerabilities (e.g., attachment patterns, personal history, Mental health difficulties)
• Examining relational dynamics (e.g., emotional disconnection, communication problems)
• Considering social or situational contributors

Therapy in this phase requires careful distinction between responsibility and context.

The unfaithful partner must take full responsibility for their choice. At the same time, both partners are invited to examine relational patterns or unmet needs that may have contributed to the affair. For many injured partners, this can be a difficult step, as it may feel like the affair is being excused or justified.

Phase 3: Moving Forward – Forgiveness and Rebuilding

I think it is useful in therapy to clarify that:

• Forgiveness is not reconciliation
• Forgiveness involves releasing resentment, not forgetting or condoning the behavior.

In some cases, reconciliation is possible. In other cases, therapy helps partners end the relationship in a respectful and emotionally safe way.

Complex Affairs

Affairs involving close friends, coworkers, or long-term double lives may require more intensive and extended therapy. These situations often involve layers of compounded betrayal, greater secrecy, and practical complications, such as shared social or professional networks.

Specific Therapeutic Approaches in Infidelity Therapy

Person-Centered Individual Therapy

A non-directive, empathic approach allows each partner to explore their feelings without judgment, facilitating insight and emotional grounding.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for Couples

CBT techniques are widely used in affair recovery therapy. It helps couples:

• Identify and challenge unhelpful thoughts (e.g., “I’ll never be able to trust anyone again”)
• Improve communication and conflict resolution
• Address avoidance, emotional shutdown, or self-destructive coping
• Rebuild shared values and future goals

Research shows that CBT-based interventions can improve both psychological well-being and relationship satisfaction following infidelity.

EMDR for Betrayal Trauma

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is used to treat betrayal trauma, helping individuals process traumatic memories and regain emotional stability. EMDR can be administered in an individual or a couples setting, including interventions with both partners simultaneously.

The Goal of Infidelity Therapy

Infidelity is a deeply painful experience that can rupture the foundation of a relationship. However, with the help of a qualified couples therapist, partners can gain insight, restore emotional regulation, and decide how to move forward—either together or separately. Effective infidelity therapy addresses trauma, promotes emotional healing, and supports the rebuilding (or redefining) of trust, whether using integrative therapy, EMDR, CBT, couples counseling, person-centered counseling, or other approaches.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.