Parenting a teen can sometimes make you nostalgic for the early years, when you could still scoop up a frustrated toddler and redirect her with bubbles. In the teen years, sweet hugs can provoke eye rolls; a well-intentioned “How was your day?” may be misconstrued as meddling.

That’s just your teens becoming independent. Decades of research finds that portraying adolescence as a period of “storm and stress” is not only misguided, it’s harmful. In fact, developmental science shows this time of life is better recast as “the breakthrough years.” According to research on over one thousand adolescents by Ellen Galinsky, author and president of Families and Work Institute, there are key messages that teens want to get through to adults:

• Teens want adults to seek to understand their development and listen and talk with them and not at them.
• They want grown-ups to stop stereotyping them and appreciate that they’re trying to understand themselves and their needs, too.
• Finally, teens want adults to know that they are drawn to learn skills like goal setting, perspective taking, collaborating, problem solving, and meaning making.

None of this is easy, of course. Along the way, tough situations crop up, and it’s hard to know what to do. Here are common questions, with answers backed by scientists and their research.

Q: My 16-year-old doesn’t seem to be motivated to do anything beyond hanging out with friends and playing video games. When I bring up the prospect of college, he says he doesn’t care. What should I do?

A: As parents, we want to set our high schoolers up for success. But, at that age, young people are still trying to figure out who they are, what interests them, and what their future looks like. “Identity development and purpose formation are underway, but rarely fully formed by high school,” says Kendall Cotton Bronk, professor of psychology at Claremont Graduate University. 

Not finding any answers yet is expected. “Parents need to remind themselves that where their child is at this moment in time isn’t necessarily where they will be in the future,” says Bronk.

To help teens along, encourage them to try different activities at school and in the community, whether it’s, for instance, robotics, the debate team, chorus, improv, or the school paper. Leave it to them to select what to try. Don’t do it for them. Don’t judge their choices.

“While it’s not appropriate for parents to be too directive, they can help their teenager reflect on what they liked and didn’t like and what felt meaningful and not so meaningful about their various experiences,” says Bronk. “Having someone to debrief with can help them deepen their reflection and more quickly identify a purposeful direction.”

Research suggests that when teens are guided by their own interests, free of external pressures, they’re more likely to take charge of their own career development. But when parents are overly involved in their adolescents’ lives, says Bronk, young people don’t have an opportunity to cultivate a sense of agency, and this can make career development planning a big challenge.

Instead of trying to manage their path, says Bronk, parents should simply “be curious.” Ask your child: What interests you? What feels satisfying for you?

“This kind of questioning can scaffold and deepen their young person’s reflections, and reflection is a key component of figuring out what kind of path a young person wants to follow,” she says. “Usually, what holds their interest is something they’re good at and care about, and that allows them to make a meaningful difference in the broader world,” she explains.

Taking advantage of volunteer opportunities can help young people see themselves as useful and discover careers that might interest them—for instance, helping out in a food pantry, animal shelter, a kids sports organization, or hospital. Encourage your teen to ask people he knows about their jobs, what they entail, and what they studied to get there.

Finally, don’t assume that your child’s lack of direction is apathy. Whatever their interest is, “work with it, not against it,” says Bronk. “At the same time, be patient. It may just be the case that they haven’t figured it all out yet. Their timetable may not be the same as yours, but they will eventually get there. Remember, this isn’t a race.”

Q: My 15-year-old seems to be living a separate life. He spends most of his time in his room and has dinner more often with his friends than with us. How can we encourage him to be a part of the family?

A: Seeking independence (while still navigating being dependent on adults) is one of the primary tasks of adolescence as they transition to becoming more self-sufficient into early adulthood.

“I try to get parents to understand that it’s not about them,” says Laurence Steinberg, author of You and Your Adolescent. “The parents didn’t do anything wrong; the child isn’t rejecting them. This is a sign they’re growing up normally. It’s partly wanting to make their own decisions and have their own life, but it’s also wanting emotional independence—to show that they are more than their parents’ kid.”

Chances are a closed door doesn’t mean trouble. Just as most adults don’t want others listening in on their calls, teens don’t want that either. They’re not distancing themselves from you, but simply distancing themselves from being a child.

“There’s nothing the parents can do to stop this from happening,” says Steinberg, a professor emeritus of psychology and neuroscience at Temple University. “And they shouldn’t try.”

That said, spending time with family is also important. To suggest that, say something like, “We want to spend more time with you but we also know that spending time with friends is important. What’s the best way to catch up with you?” By making the planning of it a collaborative process, your child is more likely to stay engaged. Research suggests that they may even find the activity more enjoyable.

Only rarely is a shut bedroom door cause for concern—for instance, you notice other behavioral changes, such as a drop in grades, a dwindling interest in his usual in-person activities. If you suspect an issue, let your child know that you’re there for him, and that he can get professional help, too.

One last note: If your child is spending most of his time in his room online, setting limits on its own may not be enough, says Jacqueline Nesi, author of the Techno Sapiens newsletter and associate professor of psychiatry and human behavior at Brown University. You’ll also want to discuss with them what you want for him and what he wants.

The evidence also supports “co-viewing” or “co-using” technology with your kids, whether that’s a video game, TV, or an AI chatbot, says Nesi. Using tech together can spark conversation and help parents better understand their kids’ digital lives.

That said, it’s still important for you to protect their sleep and to make sure that they live a life in person. Again, to get their buy-in, decide on screen-time parameters, and replace screen time with in-person activities he might enjoy, such cooking a favorite meal together or an outing with family and friends.

Q: My 17-year-old daughter recently suffered a breakup. How can I help her feel better without intruding?

A: Even if a relationship doesn’t look like a monogamous romantic relationship in adulthood (it may be short, or the partners may not talk to each other very much), these breakups can still be painful. So always take your teen’s romantic activities seriously, as well as the emotions they are experiencing following a breakup, says Emily Bibby, a researcher at the Relationship Development Center at Stony Brook University. Be compassionate, validating, and nonjudgmental. Let her know that she is having a normal reaction to a difficult situation.

Allow space to grieve and vent. “Listen hard to what your child is thinking and feeling,” says Barry Farber, professor of psychology and education at Columbia University Teachers College. “Ask what they’ve learned from the relationship. Framing the relationship as a learning experience, as opposed to a failure, can help nurture resilience and personal growth, and can help her feel more in control and more hopeful about future relationships.”

As Farber and his coauthors point out in a recent study, while time doesn’t necessarily “heal all wounds” (because memories and thoughts can linger), it almost always “softens the blow” when other strategies are also employed, such as talking with a trusted friend or family member. While the study involved mostly white, female adult subjects, the same principle generally applies across ages, genders, and ethnicities. Letting your child know that things will get better can help.

Trying to convince a teen to do anything is difficult, says Farber, so it’s better to simply listen, and then only encourage as opposed to insisting or dictating. Encourage her to engage in activities she enjoys, whether it’s treating herself to an afternoon manicure, going to a concert, or spending time in nature like hiking and walking on the beach. Encourage her to avoid all contact with her ex, both in person and on social media. If one person believes it’s really over, a clean break is usually best, says Farber. Any surge of adrenaline that happens when you see your ex in any form is only temporary, and only makes it harder to get over the breakup.

If sad feelings are impairing day-to-day life—she’s not seeing friends, she’s failing her classes, there’s a dramatic change in eating or sleeping—have her consider seeking help from a Mental health professional. “Therapy normalizes the experience,” says Farber. “It helps people find a new narrative when they’re stuck.”

Therapy also gives people an opportunity to share their feelings in a private space and learn evidence-based emotion-regulation skills to improve their Mental health and functioning, says Bibby.

If your teen is debilitatingly depressed or harming herself, then advise that she get professional help as soon as possible, such as from her school psychologist, her primary-care doctor (for a referral), or a therapist you think highly of.

To help their teen navigate relationships in general, parents can model healthy relationships with not just a partner, but also friends and family members. Teaching your teen effective communication skills and boundary setting early on, in the context of friendships and family relationships, can prove helpful once your teen starts dating, says Bibby, who recently coauthored a research review on romantic relationships and Mental health in adolescents.

And as for parents of teens who are just becoming interested in dating, it’s helpful to talk about what healthy relationships look like, emphasizing the importance of mutual respect. “Thinking through what they would do [in different dating scenarios] and how to navigate different challenges that may arise can build confidence when they start dating,” says Bibby.

Q: My 14-year-old has found herself in a friend group that spends a lot of money on expensive clothing and electronics. We don’t approve of these teens and don’t share their consumerist values. How do we prevent our child from becoming materialistic, too?

A: You can empower your teen to make thoughtful, confident choices about money, friendships, and the pressures they face. Try leading with connection rather than control: Talk openly about your family’s values, help them practice setting boundaries, and remind them they do not need to match their friends’ spending to belong or feel worthy. Expensive tastes and social media pressures can be hard to ignore, but your teen can learn to make choices that reflect what matters most to them.

People turn to materialistic things to fill a void, but that’s only a temporary fix, says Lan Nguyen Chaplin, a professor of integrated marketing communications at Northwestern University, and an expert in children’s and teens’ consumer behavior. “They end up in a vicious cycle of wanting and needing more to fill the same void because material things cannot fill real voids.”

In her research exploring materialism in a group of 12- to 18-year-olds, she reported that those with high self-esteem were less likely to have materialistic tendencies. “Parents and peers [are] a source of emotional support and psychological well-being,” she writes. “Supportive parents and peers boost adolescents’ self-esteem, which decreases their need to turn to material goods to develop positive self-perceptions.”

To that end, start at home and help your kids feel good about themselves. Gratitude journals can be a good way to curb materialism, but, of course, asking a teen who is new to journaling to start one can feel like a homework writing assignment if it’s yet another thing they are required to do. Rather, approach it with a light touch. Model gratitude by sharing with your teen who and what you’re grateful for, keep a gratitude journal yourself, or ask them what the high point of their day is.

It also helps to stop tying accomplishments to material things. So, instead of, say, rewarding a good report card with money or sneakers, celebrate the hard work that was put into achieving the good grades over a fun experience together like a movie night at home.

Most of all, spend time with your teen in lighthearted and playful ways, no matter how short. Even a 10-minute car ride can be a good opportunity to connect with them, and also reinforce the good things they have going for them, Chaplin says.