Parents have many tough conversations with their kids. We explain to stubborn toddlers why it’s important to share their toys and talk with disappointed elementary schoolers about their feelings after losing a game. Some conversations are more challenging than others, such as discussing why Mommy and Daddy don’t live in the same house anymore. Among the most challenging yet crucial conversations are those about death, dying, grief, and loss.

These discussions are especially important because they help children understand and process difficult emotions related to loss—skills they will use for the rest of their lives. Because these conversations are so important, many parents find them to be daunting. The good news is that parents can develop the skills needed to approach these conversations with confidence.

Taking care of yourself first

After a loss, we have to juggle managing our own feelings and creating a supportive environment for our children’s emotional reactions.

As a parent, you may feel the instinct to take care of your child’s emotional needs before your own, which is a completely normal reaction to have. In fact, many parents report feeling that it is their responsibility to protect their children from loss, which often means they neglect to prioritize their own grieving process.

However, taking the time to center yourself—to consider what you need and how to address those needs—is crucial not only for processing your own grief, but also for preparing you to have meaningful conversations about the loss with your children. This could look like leaning on your support system of family and friends, or it could look like seeking out quiet moments of alone time—whatever you need to deal with your feelings of grief.

In addition to providing the space to process and reflect on the loss, these moments away from your kids can also be very practical. They give you the time needed to plan the next logistical steps, which is especially relevant if the person who died played a significant role in your daily life. For example, you might need to plan who will pick up the kids from soccer practice on Thursday nights, or who will host Thanksgiving dinner this year, now that they are gone. Experts compare this process to putting on your own oxygen mask before helping others with theirs. Taking time to process the death of a loved one is like donning your oxygen mask for grief; it helps you feel more grounded and better prepared for conversations with others about the death, especially conversations with your kids.

There may be times when you don’t have the luxury of having a pause; in this situation, remind yourself that conversations don’t have to be polished and that they can be returned to, revised, and discussed. The main thing your child needs in this situation is you, being there, with them.

How to approach conversations about death

1. Tap into how kids understand death and grief. It’s important to begin these conversations considering what your child does and doesn’t know about death. Most parents tend to underestimate children’s ability to understand death. One year olds can have a reaction to loss, including death, but their understanding of death is quite different from older children’s. Research finds that by the age of eight, children understand that death is final.

In thinking about how to approach your child, consider their previous experiences with death and loss. Have they been exposed to these experiences before? Have they seemed to understand what was happening? If you don’t know what your child already knows about death, you can ask them basic questions to gauge their understanding of these concepts before beginning your conversation. Alternatively, you can incorporate explanations about what death means into your discussion of the specific incident.

Before a death occurs:
2. Take advantage of your child’s curiosity. Most children express an interest in death from time to time. For example, your child may ask questions about a dead roly-poly bug they found, or wonder about whether their dog who died is in heaven. These moments create natural opportunities for parents to have conversations with their children. Seizing the opportunity to talk about something your child has expressed interest in, providing factual information about the topic (e.g., the life cycle of a roly-poly), and integrating information about death into the conversation allow you to introduce the topic in a non-frightening way.

3. Talk a little; do it a lot. Talks about death don’t have to involve a big, serious conversation. In fact, the best kinds of conversations might be the ones that happen casually. When you only talk about death using heavy emotional overtones, children quickly pick up the message that death is a scary, serious topic to be avoided. Instead, try to discuss the topic frequently and for short periods of time. This matches younger children’s attention spans and helps ensure that the topic doesn’t feel taboo. 

When a death occurs or is imminent:
4. Be crystal clear; don’t mince words. One of the most common mistakes parents make when they talk with their children about death is using euphemisms that are gentler to describe what happened, such as “your Grandma passed away,” or “she is in a better place.”

While undoubtedly easier to say, messages such as these create confusion for children, who don’t understand the social conventions behind the words. They may misinterpret the meaning, and this can actually create more distress for them as they wonder what “place” she is in, whether they can go visit, why she hasn’t come to visit them, etc. It’s much better to explain what death means in a way your child can understand, such as by saying that when we are very old, our bodies stop working, our hearts stop beating, and we cannot live anymore.

5. Allow children to decide how much information they want and when they want to talk about it. Unlike adults, children are less likely to want to have a long, sit-down conversation about a death. Even when a close loved one dies, they may prefer to hear about it, ask a few questions, and then get up and do something else within a few minutes.

If this happens, it’s best to respect your child’s preferences to end the conversation, and follow their lead regarding when they want to talk about it again. You can mention to them that they can talk about it whenever they want to with you. They will show you that they want to talk about it again by spontaneously asking questions about the death or bringing the topic back into the conversation.

You can also introduce it yourself as something you are thinking about, such as how you will miss seeing the person during the holidays this year or how you miss getting to watch football with them. Pay attention to your child’s reaction when you bring up the topic, and use it as a way to guide your behavior. Do they seem interested in what you are saying? Do they ask you more questions about it? If so, this can be interpreted as encouragement to continue sharing. On the other hand, if they change the subject or move further away from you, you can interpret this as a signal that they might not be ready to discuss the topic.

6. Accept all feelings (or lack of feelings) your child has. Children’s reactions to death may not look like adults’ because of their more limited abilities to process information and express emotions. Some children don’t experience many feelings in reaction to a death itself. Other children feel strong emotions (sadness, fear, anger). A child’s feelings about a death can also change over time as they process the loss.

It’s important to convey to your child that whatever feelings they are feeling are natural and understandable, can be shared with their parent(s), and are not going to last forever. Kids’ emotions can be very powerful and raw; by recognizing that their emotions are valid, and not dismissing or shying away from them, parents can help make sure children don’t feel alone.

Children are also very sensitive to the feelings of the adults around them, so part of their reaction to the death may involve worrying about the adults who are grieving (will they be OK?). Reassuring them that although you are sad, you will be OK and you will be there for them will help to address these fears. 

7. Separate yours from theirs. It can be difficult to provide comfort for your child at a time when you are also experiencing grief. One challenge parents often have in this situation is to react to what their child is expressing rather than what they themselves are feeling about the loss.

To achieve this, work hard to listen to your child’s words and pay attention to their behavior regarding the loss. Your goal should be to create a safe space where your kid can express themselves and their emotions. Remember that your child’s reaction is based on their own experiences, age, developmental history, personality, and genetics, and is distinct from yours. Also ensure that you have the support you need for you as you respond to this loss.

8. Provide Coping strategies. Introduce ways to cope with a death into your conversations with your child. Given how strong feelings about death can be for both children and adults, linking discussions of these feelings with strategies for coping conveys the message that strong feelings can be managed. Parents can model active coping with their grief:

“I feel so sad and it helps me to talk to my friends about it.”
“Sharing funny stories about her helps me deal with how much I miss her.”
“I’m hurting, but by leaning on the support of my family, I will get through this.”

Parents can also ask their child to consider what helps them with their feelings of sadness or loss, as well as suggest ways their child could channel their feelings.

Parents are here to help children through all of life’s experiences, including death. This doesn’t mean having all of the answers or never being afraid, sad, or overwhelmed—it means feeling those emotions and still being able to talk about death with your child. Although no parent wishes for their child to have to endure a loss, helping a child through this type of life event creates an opportunity for meaningful conversations about some of the most important things in life—relationships, values cherished by the family, and showing up for people during times of need. Infusing these conversations into everyday life helps to make the topic of death more comfortable for both children and adults.