Depression can feel like being trapped in a dark, heavy fog that dulls everything around you — like an overwhelming sense of sadness or emptiness, making even simple tasks like getting out of bed or eating feel utterly exhausting (if not fully impossible). And while your mind races with negative thoughts, you begin to wonder, “What’s the point?!,” and start to doubt whether things will ever improve. And though you still crave support from others, you also feel disconnected from the world and the people around you, as if a barrier separates you from happiness and normalcy.

This, in short, is what many people experience when they describe their depression. And although it’s questionable whether the term “depression” is even useful (because it can present itself in so many different ways), almost every fifth American adult is currently suffering from such symptoms; with numbers on the rise. And even if you never received an official diagnosis from a licensed professional, almost everyone will at some point in their life struggle with self-critical thoughts, feelings of emptiness, or a seeming inability to perform even the simplest of tasks.

We all need to learn how to deal effectively with difficult experiences, and there’s no better time than right now to learn the skills of mental resilience. With that being said, here are three fundamental lessons to help improve your Mental health when you’re feeling depressed.

Lesson #1: Your Experience Is Not Your Enemy

Quite early in life, we learn a fundamental lesson: Get rid of the things you don’t want, and hold on to the ones you do. This works pretty well when it comes to food, toys, and sometimes even people. However, when we apply this same strategy to our own experiences, something peculiar happens: the harder we push back, the harder they resist. When we fight our thoughts and feelings, or label them as “bad,” they often become stronger, more frequent, and gain control over us. The harder you try to not be anxious, the more fearful you become. The more you try to cling to happiness, the less you will actually have.

But what if you didn’t need to fight? What if you could allow the difficult parts of your experience – without judgment or resistance? By giving yourself permission to feel what you’re feeling and think what you’re thinking, you can take away some of their control. In fact, with a stance of kindness, patience, and compassion, you may find them easier to carry. Your emotions are valid, and it’s okay to have them. And your thoughts are just thoughts – regardless of how real they may seem – and it’s okay to have them as well. Your experiences are not your enemy.

This may be hard to believe, especially when you’re already feeling overwhelmed, and you’re hearing this perspective for the first time. For this reason, I invite you to sit with this idea, and pay attention to how your thoughts and feelings unfold when you’re fighting them vs. when you allow them to be and hold them more lightly. You cannot untangle a tightened knot by pulling harder on the strings; oftentimes you need a more gentle approach.

Lesson #2: Underneath Your Hurt Is What Matters To You

Despite how it may seem at times, your emotions are not here to make your life harder. Instead, they are signals – indicators that something needs care and attention. Just like physical pain alarms you of injuries to your body (and that you better attend to your wound), emotional pain alarms you of past or potential injuries to your mental well-being. And yes, you better attend to the latter as well, because you might just learn something important about yourself.

Underneath your pain you will often find what matters deeply to you. For instance, you wouldn’t feel lonely if you didn’t care about connecting with other people. Just like you wouldn’t experience grief if you didn’t care about whomever you have lost. And you definitely wouldn’t feel empty if you didn’t care about having meaning and direction in life. Where you hurt is where you care. And where you care, you will hurt. Pain and values are two sides of the same coin.

So if you find yourself hurting, flip it around: What does this say about what matters to you?

Lesson #3: Express Your Caring While Noticing Your Body

One of the unfortunate effects of depression is that people often stop doing the things that actually help them get better. They neglect their diet, no longer exercise, isolate themselves from friends, and engage in various vices and unhealthy habits. So before you continue reading, pause for a moment and do something small that is an expression of your caring. For instance, you could eat a piece of fruit, stand up and stretch your arms, or even just send a heart emoji to a loved one. Caring doesn’t need to be a grandiose gesture; it can be small and simple.

While you’re doing this small action, notice what happens in your body. What sensations can you feel? And where can you feel them? Under the spell of depression, we tend to lose touch with our senses, and so we have to actively practice the skills of noticing and feeling to get re-connected with our own body. And again, it’s not about taking big steps, but about consciously doing small, simple ones. Eat a piece of fruit and notice the texture in your mouth. Stretch your arms and notice the strain. Send a message to a friend and notice your feelings for this person.

And when difficult thoughts and feelings show up, notice them as well. And then ask yourself: Do these experiences need to be my enemy? Or can I allow myself to have them while doing the things I care about?