If you’ve ever set a New Year’s resolution, you know: They can be hard to keep. Even when we’re highly motivated (at first), we humans often struggle to follow through on our best intentions. One thing that helps is having social support. But the type of support that actually helps is pretty specific—unfortunately, supporters often accidentally (and unknowingly) hinder their loved one’s efforts to change instead of helping.

Why? A significant component of whether or not we can maintain a change depends on our motivation, and our motivation depends on three things that psychologists consider basic psychological needs:

• Our perception of our own competence, or our confidence that we can make the change. Understandably, if we don’t feel capable of making the change—if we don’t feel like we will ultimately be successful—we won’t feel motivated to keep trying.
• Our sense of autonomy, or independence. We humans resist behaviors that we feel subtly forced or shamed into making. If we feel like we have to keep our resolution or something bad will happen (like someone else will be disappointed in us, or we’ll have a heart attack, or our cancer will come back), we feel less motivated than if we feel like the behavior is based on our own choice or if it’s something we want to do. This is complex and somewhat counter-intuitive but well understood by behavioral scientists.
• Our relatedness, or whether or not we feel accepted, valued, and supported by others. When a behavior helps us feel connected to others and increases our sense of belonging (e.g., joining a running group to support our resolution to run a 10K), we feel more motivated to stick with the resolution.

If even one of these three core psychological needs is thwarted, our motivation will tank, and our resolution is toast. So this year, if you have a loved one who wants to get into a new healthy habit or break an old one, here are seven things you can do to increase their odds of success:

1. Support their autonomy. Show your person that you see them as fully capable of making their own choices and solving their problems. Help them build a vision for success, which will help them focus on what they want (not what they don’t). What does success look like? How are they hoping to feel? What will they need to do to succeed? When will they need to ask for help? What’s their plan for today?

2. Encourage their competence by expressing your confidence in their ability to make the change or keep the resolution and by finding ways to boost their confidence in their capability. Ask about and point to instances when they’ve successfully done something similar. 
   
3. Foster relatedness by forming a special relationship with them around their resolution. Offer to be their partner in this thing. But don’t assume you know what kind of support they need; ask them how you can best support them. What would help? What would feel good? For example, my daughter Macie recently asked me not to remind her to exercise but instead to remind her how good she feels when she exercises. The goal here isn’t to get them to do the thing; it’s to show them they aren’t alone.

4. Promote mindful Self-awareness through daily check-ins. This is not about being an accountability partner, which can feel yucky to many people. We don’t want them to start avoiding you in your efforts to support them, so it’s not about pestering them with “Didja do it?” or incessantly reminding them to do what they said they would do. It’s about sharing a “How did it go today?” moment.

The goal is to drive Self-awareness in a nonjudgmental way. It’s hard to keep a resolution if we aren’t aware of what influences our behavior. It can help to have someone prompt self-reflection with “what” or “how” questions. For example, “How are you feeling about that?” or “What do you want to do tomorrow?”

Try not to ask “why?” questions (e.g., “Why do you think you were on your phone so late last night?”), which can prompt defensiveness. “Why” questions can be perceived as criticism, making people want to explain or justify their actions. And the more someone defends an action or belief, the more committed to it they become — so when we ask “why” about something that didn’t go well, we unintentionally strengthen their resolve in the wrong direction. This is not what we are after!

Instead, try inviting self-reflection in a low-pressure way (“Can you say more about what led up to that?”) or focusing on the decision-making vs. the action (“How did you decide to skip a day?”).

Daily check-ins help with relatedness, of course. They can also provoke something called the “Hawthorne effect”—a phenomenon where (sometimes) people change their behavior for the better when they are being observed. What we’re ultimately doing here is helping people observe their own behavior.

5. Offer compassion when things aren’t going well. It won’t feel good when our person stumbles in their resolution, which they will. We don’t want them to give up just so that they don’t have to feel bad when they stumble again. Which they will.
We can make their stumble feel less bad by giving them a soft place to land, and a safe place to be vulnerable.

Ask them how they feel and validate their feelings (e.g., “People all over the world feel like you feel right now in this situation”). Remind them that the important thing is that they are in the arena, playing their own game. They don’t need to be perfect; perfect isn’t even possible.

6. Don’t offer solutions, even when you really really think they will help. Even if you are pretty sure you know the answer to a problem they are facing, do not, for the love of God, offer it. Don’t tell them what they should do (in other words, don’t “should on them”). Don’t rob them of the satisfaction of solving their own problems.

I know, I know. This is so hard. Many resolutions require a high degree of knowledge—knowledge that you have. For example, say your loved one wants to maintain a ketogenic diet. This requires an understanding of macronutrients, meal planning, and cooking. Maybe you know a lot about these things. Before you offer help, please ask them: Do they want you to teach them what you know? Share the recipes or websites you’ve found helpful?

No? If they don’t want your help, let it go. You risk thwarting your loved one’s autonomy and sense of competence. Your intentions are all good, but they won’t help and might hurt.

7. Cheerlead your heart out when they have some success. Researchers note that happy couples actively celebrate when their partner shares good news. So when your person shares a success with you, however minor, respond enthusiastically. It isn’t enough to be positive and loving but not particularly emotive. Your response to good news needs to be active. Silent support is far less effective.

Enthusiastic responses are important even if you don’t know the person you are supporting well. Having someone who says, “I’m really happy for you!” can make a person feel even better about the event or news they are sharing, and put them in a better mood. In addition, enthusiastic feedback leads to greater closeness, trust, and intimacy with you, their supporter.

That’s not nothing. Even if you aren’t sure the person you are supporting will maintain the changes they are making, or if you aren’t sure how important those changes are, your support is meaningful. You’re helping someone you love feel good and bolstering your relationship in the process.