The U.S. Surgeon General recently issued a warning that startled millions of people, claiming that parenting can be hazardous to your health. My understanding of the report is that he finds the hazards to be the deleterious impact of stress, social isolation, and financial strain.
This was compounded by a powerful March 2025 essay in the New Yorker by Gideon Lewis-Kraus, entitled “The End of Children.” The author takes a global perspective, interviewing parents from a number of countries and noting that birth rates are crashing around the world. “What does this mean for our future?” the author wonders.
There is one quote in particular that has stayed with me. One man claimed that he would “much rather own a Porsche and have a Portuguese water dog and golden doodle” than have children. “Long term, it’s cheaper, better for the environment, and will never tell you that it hates you or ask you to pay for college.”
Is Parenting More Stressful Than It Once Was?
As a clinical psychologist who works with parents as well as children and writes about parenting, I can understand the pressures and the frustrations. Yes, it does seem that the stressors have increased. Recent research has found that working mothers devote more time to childcare than stay-at-home moms did in past generations.
It also turns out that mothers with college degrees spend more time with their children than those without. Parents are also less likely to live near extended family. What’s more, the longer people wait to start a family, often given the demands of careers, the less likely they are to start one.
But what if things are not as bleak as they might appear? There are things that we can do as families and communities to decrease stress on parents.
I write this as my own family faces the contemporary stresses that most families eventually confront. One of my children just lost a job. Given the current economy, it is not clear what the new job will be. A close family member is in the end stage of a long, painful cancer.
All of this is difficult. Yet, on the other hand, I’m buoyed at the idea of being with grandchildren, who live hours away, but whose parents desperately need a break. I delight in the idea of visiting the local aquarium where there is a recently constructed “retirement home” for aging penguins, going to a local museum, and cooking chocolate-chip cookies and painting with our toddler grandson. And as I do this, I will think back to memories of my grandparents enjoying the development of my brother and me, and to my mother, recently deceased, appreciating the help she got from her parents and being less exhausted with a respite.
As I think of the complicated world we now live in and how hard it is to negotiate the pressure and demands, I remind myself that we also have tools that were not available to my grandparents: namely, the skills of mindfulness and compassion, and especially Self-compassion. Many clinicians and meditation teachers have found that Self-compassion is one of the most important tools we have for building resilience.
A Simple Way for Parents to Practice Self-compassion
One of my favorite practices for stressed-out parents is what we think of as the quintessential Self-compassion question. I find it helps with burnout and the pressures of parenting life.
To answer it, you don’t need to sit quietly and close your eyes to meditate, which can be hard to do with active kids. It is a practice you can do when driving kids to soccer, a playdate, or a swim meet. You can even do it when the kids are fighting, or you and your partner are arguing. Jot down a note of two when you have a chance.
Take a pause, as your life is happening, and you may need some support, and ask yourself: What do I need? Possible answers include:
- To emotionally comfort myself?
- To physically soothe myself?
- To encourage myself?
- To set a boundary?
- To care for myself?
- To take action or make a change?
Taking care of yourself also benefits others.
