Austin threw his hands up. “No matter what I say or do, it’s always the same thing!” he said, voice raised in frustration.
We had been talking about his most recent visit with his mother, one he had begun with cautious optimism, hoping that if he explained himself just a little more clearly this time, she might finally understand how her comments affect him. Instead, the interaction followed a familiar pattern. She minimized his feelings, and immediately redirected the conversation to her own stress. When he tried to point this out, she ended by accusing him of being “too sensitive. Must be from your father’s side.”
As Austin recounted the exchange, his shoulders tensed and his breathing became shallow. It was clear he was reliving the interaction. “I felt like I was twelve again,” he said after a moment. “Like I had to defend myself. Like if I could just find the right words, she’d finally get it.”
Detaching Can Help You Maintain Limited Contact Without Sacrificing Your Mental health
Learning to observe without reacting is a key part of emotional detachment, especially for those navigating relationships with emotionally immature or difficult family members. Rather than absorbing harmful behavior or responding in ways that compromise Mental health, emotional detachment involves learning to witness interactions with awareness and restraint. This may include setting internal boundaries, mentally preparing for visits, limiting in-person contact, or disengaging from arguments that feel unsafe or overwhelming.
For survivors who remain in contact with a difficult parent or relative, emotional detachment can help them protect their emotional well-being while staying grounded in the present moment. This is why part of my work with Austin was helping him learn to observe these interactions without immediately reacting to them. My goal was for him to notice his mother’s predictable responses, as well as his own internal activation (and the resulting urge to engage), without being pulled into the familiar cycle.
For those looking to practice detaching, author Lindsay Gibson, in Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents, recommends focusing on one interaction at a time, rather than trying to resolve a lifetime of dysfunction in every encounter. The goal is not to “fix” the relationship, but to find manageable, emotionally neutral moments of contact—perhaps a short, structured phone call or a brief visit—where expectations are lowered and the focus is on the present topic and that topic alone.
As a survivor of a dysfunctional family, this has been a great tool for my own healing journey, as it allows me to have short, cordial interactions with a parent who causes me a great deal of stress and anguish. Giving myself permission to only focus on the present topic, rather than trying to resolve a lifetime of pain and dysfunction, felt freeing. This approach helped to reduce the emotional intensity of interactions and also helped prevent me from continuously experiencing repeated disappointment when interactions did not go as planned.
Detaching Can Be an Option for Those Who Are Unable to Go No Contact
Not everyone can—or wants to—go no contact. Cultural expectations, caregiving responsibilities, financial dependence, shared family systems, or a desire to maintain relationships with other relatives can make no contact unrealistic or even unsafe. Instead, choosing limited contact with emotional detachment can be a thoughtful, self-protective strategy that honors real-life constraints and values while still prioritizing safety.
Trying to get a parent to acknowledge past harm or change their behavior may not be realistic, especially if they are emotionally immature or struggling with untreated mental illness. Instead, focusing on achievable, present-moment goals—like having a calm, 30-minute visit—can be a way to maintain limited contact without sacrificing your emotional health. This same tactic can be used with other family members you care about and want to have contact with but need to detach from, such as siblings, aunts and uncles, grandparents, and cousins.
Emotional detachment does not mean accepting harmful behavior; it allows survivors to stay grounded in the present, recognize and validate harmful patterns they observe, but avoid being consumed by the emotions those patterns provoke.
