It’s a story many of us know all too well—staying in a relationship long past its expiration date, holding on despite the mutual inability to evolve, the unhappiness, or the gut feeling that something just isn’t right. Even when we recognize it’s over, we often struggle to walk away. Why do we do this? And more importantly, how can we reclaim our emotional well-being and find the courage to choose something better for ourselves?

Navigating this tender moment in life requires extra doses of Self-compassion and self-care.

Stress management plays a major role in our daily relationship functioning. Experiencing elevated levels of stress may deplete the cognitive resources an individual is able to allocate to sustaining a relationship (Neff & Karney, 2009). Depending on the relationship, the life you’ve built together, and your personal meaning of the relationship, it can be very challenging to break up.

Studies show that relationship churning (on-again/off-again relationships) is reported by nearly half of young adults in their present or most recent relationship (Halpern-Meekin et al. 2013) and by one-fifth of parents in urban areas by their child’s ninth birthday (Turney and Halpern-Meekin 2021). The stressor of relationship transitions or instability, as opposed to partnership status, is strongly related to Mental health (Osborne and McLanahan 2007).

The Impact of Gender on How We Experience a Breakup

Sex differences research consistently reports that males have a greater risk for suicidality after a relationship break-up (Evans et al., 2016), with divorced men being 8-times more likely to die by suicide compared to divorced women (Kposowa, 2003). Although men may conceal their distress publicly, they are more likely than women to anonymously seek help for their relationships online and/or express their emotions (i.e., heartache) (Entwistle et al., 2021).

According to an interesting study that examined associations between relationship churning and mothers’ Mental health, mothers experiencing relationship churning are at higher risk for reporting a variety of Mental health problems (including depression, heavy drinking, and receiving Mental health treatment) compared to those in stable romantic unions. The study goes on to suggest that instability, rather than a change in partner, may be key in the processes connecting relationship experiences with Mental health outcomes.

A study exploring men’s Mental health help-seeking after an intimate partner relationship break-up reported the dissolution of an intimate partner relationship can bring on/or exacerbate men’s mental illness, increasing their risk for anxiety, depression, and suicide. Studies report masculine self-reliance and emotional control as underpinning men’s reticence for accessing professional Mental health care.

The Reasons We Stay

1. Fear of Being Alone

One of the most common reasons people stay in bad relationships is the fear of loneliness. The idea of starting over, especially after investing years into a partnership, can feel overwhelming. We convince ourselves that a relationship of sorts —even if it’s painful/unfulfilling—is better than the prospect of starting over (for example). However, staying in an unhappy relationship out of fear of being alone robs us of the opportunity to find a connection that truly fulfills us.

2. Hope for Change

Hope can be a beautiful thing, but in a relationship that isn’t able to evolve, it can also keep us stuck. We tell ourselves, They’ll change. Things will get better. If I just try harder, love them more, or be more patient, they’ll become the partner I need. But the truth is, change has to come from within them—it’s not something we can force. If someone consistently fails to take personal responsibility or accountability for their role in the quality of a relationship, we have to accept that hope alone won’t fix the problem. This is not to say that people can’t change, but there must be consistent action behind the willingness.

3. The Investment Fallacy

We often stay in relationships because of the time, energy, and emotional investment we’ve made. The idea of “wasting” all those years can feel unbearable, leading us to stick around even though we know it’s not right. While there can be many reasons to stay, sometimes letting go can be the more peaceful and wise option. Coming to the decision is an important one worthy of care and thought. There is no doubt that this can feel like a scary and uncertain time, but choosing to stay in a relationship that is unable to evolve, doesn’t make the journey any better—it just prolongs the inevitable. Ending a meaningful relationship can be complex, as there are often many considerations to think through. However, coming to the right decision for yourself is an important step in acknowledging your present reality and honoring what needs to happen next. Just because a relationship ends doesn’t mean it was a failure.

4. Low Self-Worth

Sometimes, deep down, we don’t believe we deserve better. Past wounds, childhood experiences, or a history of unhealthy relationships can convince us that pain and disappointment are just part of love. If we’ve been conditioned to believe that love requires suffering, we may tolerate mistreatment or neglect longer than we should. But, generally speaking, love should feel safe, supportive, and fulfilling—not like something we have to endure. If you’re finding that low self-worth gets in the way, it may be time to seek professional help to address these struggles head on.

How to Get Back on Track

1. Get Honest with Yourself

The first step to breaking free from a bad relationship is radical honesty. Ask yourself: Am I happy? What have we already tried? Why didn’t it seem to work? What is my role here? How do I see their part? Do I feel valued? Am I staying because of my own fears or genuine love, or something else (for example)? It can be hard to admit when a relationship isn’t working, but facing the truth is the first step toward healing.

2. Seek Outside Perspective

When we’re deeply invested in a relationship, it’s easy to lose objectivity. Talking to a trusted friend, therapist, or coach can help us see things more clearly. Sometimes, just voicing our concerns out loud makes us realize what we’ve been avoiding.

3. Remind Yourself of Your Value as a Person

If low self-esteem is keeping you stuck, it can be helpful to focus on your personal identity and confidence. Surround yourself with people who uplift and value you. Perhaps you may even try re-engaging in some activities that bring you joy and comfort.

4. Practice Letting Go of Guilt and Fear

Walking away from a bad relationship doesn’t mean you’ve failed—it means you’ve chosen yourself. Let go of the guilt and fear that might be holding you back. Leaving isn’t selfish; it’s an act of self-respect. You deserve happiness, and it’s okay to prioritize your well-being.

5. Acknowledge Your Feelings and Mourn

It may take time to mourn and adjust to life without this particular partner. We can know that it had to end and still feel very sad. At times, we might even feel conflicted; this is all normal and to be expected. Take time to acknowledge and explore your true inner experience. Your future self will thank you!

Final Thoughts

Leaving a relationship is never easy, but staying in one that feels unstable/unfulfilling without effective intervention is even harder in the long run. You deserve relationships that feel safe, fulfilling, and uplifting. While the path forward may be bumpy and uncertain, it is worth it to explore what feels important to you and consider what went wrong. Once you decide to move on, create a plan for what comes next. Will you seek therapy? Focus on personal growth? Reconnect with friends and hobbies? Developing a roadmap can make the transition less overwhelming and provide a more positive outlook during this time of transition.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.