Since it is difficult to accept unwanted emotions, it helps to understand the benefits of doing so. We need a helpful carrot, a reason for the pain. Being open to feeling emotional pain without purpose can feel reckless, masochistic, and devoid of Self-compassion.

The first step in accepting our emotions is understanding that they serve a vital function: to help us maintain our psychological health (see this article for a deeper explanation). Having a willingness to feel these unwanted emotions opens us up to many unanticipated rewards.

The Relief of No Longer Needing to Fight Emotions

The freedom that comes when people realize they don’t need to eradicate unpleasant emotions or be at their mercy is profound. I’ve often seen this breakthrough in my patients—it’s as if a light turns on. Emotions are no longer feared, erratic, or painful stimuli.

The fight is over. For most, this fight has been ongoing their entire lives, and it has consumed their time, energy, and money. They’ve tried it all, some healthier options than others—yoga, meditation, alcohol, scrolling on their phones, keeping busy, sleeping, overeating.

Their failure to rid themselves of emotion was not for lack of effort. In fact, the harder they tried to eliminate the unpleasant emotions, the stronger their grip. Failure is inevitable when trying to change something innate within our bodies. And so, giving up this struggle comes with immense relief.

Reclaiming Your Energy

Once we stop fighting our emotions, we can redirect that energy into exploring what we want in our lives. We are no longer stuck or consumed by efforts to avoid feeling. We can now pick up our heads and move in a more productive direction, considering what our emotions are telling us about what matters most to us.

Emotions Are No Longer Shameful

We also no longer need to feel ashamed of our emotions. Emotions aren’t a reflection of weakness, they are reflecting what we value—the parts of ourselves that are most important. There is no shame in having deeply held values. There is no shame in our bodies working well to alert us to what is important in our lives. Shedding layers of shame makes way for self-acceptance and confidence.

For more on shame reduction, see my article, “You’re Just Too Sensitive.”

Emotions Become Empowering

Not only are emotions no longer problematic, they become empowering. Like all good signals, they provide direction and clarity. They are like beacons in a storm, illuminating something important that needs attention. When emotions arise, we can begin to understand what to do with them. While the journey may be challenging and painful, we are no longer grasping in the dark. We can learn from the emotions and move forward with greater clarity and confidence.

We Can Learn and Grow

When we finally accept and listen to our emotions, we are no longer blindly trapped in unhealthy patterns. Emotions ask us to notice and examine what we care about. We can then use that information, and the facts available to us, to decide how we would like to proceed.

At times, our emotional signals alert us to areas that are hard to look at—missteps, hard truths we’ve been ignoring, or painful realities about how we’ve misused our time and energy. However, this clarity can help us make healthier life choices, consistent with our values.

For example, a patient described feeling regretful after being dismissive of his son. That regret was a signal to him that there was something he valued that was not being fulfilled, namely: compassion and respect. With that awareness, he was able to bring more compassion and respect to his next interaction with this son.

We Can Use Emotions to Find a Path to a Fulfilling Life

Since emotions alert us to what matters most, we can use them to discover a meaningful life path. Only we can determine if we are on the right path, since that path reflects our unique composition of values. Those values have evolved over time based on our genetics, life experiences, lessons learned, culture, and other important influences. Our emotions can tell us when we are in alignment with those values (giving a sense of peace) or in discordance (in the form of unwanted emotions).

There is no need to look externally for answers. If you do, you may find yourself following advice on living a life that someone else would find fulfilling. The roadmap is already within each of us—we just need to be willing to listen and receive the messages.