I cannot understand how there could be humility without love or love without humility.
Teresa of Avila (1583/2017 CE), Chap. 16, no. 2, p. 94
As Teresa of Avila’s (1515-1582) epigraph implies, humility is considered a critical element in any relationship. But what is it and how can we harness this virtue to improve ourselves and our loved ones? In this post, we’ll examine the nature of humility, its significance to relationships, and its application in a conversational scenario.
Words and action must accompany true humility.
Source: Priscilla du Preez / Unsplash
What is humility?
Merriam-Webster defines humility as “freedom from pride or arrogance” (2024). Put another way, someone demonstrates humility when they can detach themselves from their personal desires and instead seek the enduring needs of their family member or partner. This aspect of seeking the greater good for the benefit of others and, especially the relationship indicates how humility can serve as a virtue for both individuals and relationships. People who are humble partners tend to listen with empathy and act with compassion during challenging periods (Culkin, 2023, 2024). Such active listening is critical for open, honest communication – the hallmark of any strong relationship.
Why is it significant to relationships?
Humility is valued in both personal and professional relationships because it indicates a person’s willingness to be open-minded, to learn, and to act while understanding their own limitations (ADP 6-22, 2019, p. 2-11). Humility can be described on a spectrum, with someone too shy to take any action on one end and with a person acting too much out of selfish pride and arrogance on the other (2019). In the following scenario we follow how humility might play out.
Applying humility to relationships every day
In this scenario, a person with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) realizes how important it is to listen and respond to their partner. The extent to which he listens to her with implicit trust serves to bolster their relationship.
John and Maria have been married for ten years and live in a big city. John has been diagnosed with OCD for over 10 years, and Maria has largely accommodated his compulsions for cleaning rituals. Recently, after attending a workshop recommended by their therapist on how not to facilitate compulsions, she finally felt confident enough to tell John to stop.
Empathy in a conversation.
Source: David Culkin
Teresa of Avila (1583/2017) believed thoughtful, trusting obedience to a loved one is a mark of true humility. In this scenario, John obeys Maria not because she’s telling him to do something he doesn’t want to do (i.e., desist from cleaning an already clean kitchen). He obeys her because he trusts her, and the force of his love is greater than the ego-centered fear that drives his compulsion to clean. Unfortunately, a common response of sufferers to resistance from loved ones is defiance (Abramowitz, 2021). Building such trust may take time and therapy to develop, but practicing this skill is essential to keeping communication open in relationships affected by OCD and similar disorders. You can read more about OCD and oppositional behaviors and assertive communication in my blog posts (Culkin, 2024, 2022).
Conclusion
We discussed the value of humility by considering its nature, its significance to relationships, and application to a realistic scenario. How is humility improving your relationships?
