Of course, that old saying, “Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me,” is wrong. Particularly between people who are caringly connected, like parent and adolescent for example, unhappy feelings expressed through hasty words can do a lot of damage. Thoughtlessly spoken, they are emotionally driven.

Some relationships are particularly volatile, like a quick tempered parent and a hot-headed teenager who can create a lot of painful interactions this way when they allow frustration, hurt, or anger to dictate what they say.

“I only spoke that way because I was feeling upset,” explains the offender. The parent or adolescent needs to find a better alternative, and the adult needs to lead and show that way. After all,now is later, an adolescent is just an adult in training, and part of the parental responsibility is modeling and teaching habits of spoken communication that the young person will carry forward into significant relationships to come. Ensuring safe speech means managing unhappy emotional arousal that can betray them into saying what can inflict serious injury.

To do so, parents must monitor their own emotional arousal. If they feel they are heating up with their teenager and are in danger of saying what they might later have cause to regret, they need to interrupt the communication and declare a short time-out. They do so to restore emotional sobriety, setting a time to re-engage conversation when able to do so in more measured terms. In this process, they are giving the teenager permission to do the same when in need of time to cool down.

And if betrayed by emotion into saying wounding words, they can sincerely apologize, listen to whatever injury was sustained, correct whatever hurtful impression was impulsively given, and make amends by resolving not to repeat whatever was harmfully said. This can also be a powerful model to provide.

Unhappy Emotion and Hurtful Speech

This blog in no way is intended to devalue the importance of emotions. It is only to comment on what can sometimes happen to spoken communication between parent and adolescent when emotional intensity arises between them – with frustration, impatience, irritation, offense, injury, disagreement, or conflict, for example. And now, from emotional arousal, one or both can start to “think” with their feelings and speak in a way that can hurt the other person.

Of course, the best prevention against this use of wounding words is the family practice of honoring unhappy emotion and immediately talking hard feelings out so they are not acted out. However, in most families there are occasions when unhappy emotional arousal can beget hurtful speech.

Start with emphasizing the value of emotions; then how emotional intensity can influence choice of words; and finally consider some particular words that it is probably best for parents not to say to their teenager.

The Value of Emotions

Composing a person’s Affective Awareness System, feelings help a person emotionally sense and identify when something significant is happening in their inner or outer world of experience, and then empowers the person to take some reflective, expressive, or corrective action in response.

There can be what we may consider “positive” emotions, like when curiosity identifies interest, pride identifies accomplishment, or infatuation identifies attraction, for example. There can be what we may consider “negative” emotions, like when grief identifies loss, fear identifies danger, or anger identifies violation, for example. Not to be in touch with one’s emotions reduces Self-awareness. “I don’t know how I’m feeling. I don’t know what is the matter with me!”

This said, while emotions can be very good informants, they can be very bad advisors. For example, anger can counsel retaliation, fear can counsel running away, and despondency can counsel isolation. So when feeling upset for any cause, it’s generally better to take the time to deliberate with reason about what is best to do. Otherwise, emotion can supplant better judgment.

Emotional Intensity and Choice of Words

Basically, emotionalized choice of words tends to make communication more inflammatory and distracts from addressing basic issues of concern. In counseling a family couple, like parent and teenager, where hurt feelings or conflict is in play, it’s easy to see the following language changes occur when discussing a significant concern.

Operational use of words can become generalized. For example, instead of simply addressing the other person’s action or behavior of concern, “You didn’t do what you promised,” the speaker may feel like lodging a general complaint: “You’re just not to be trusted!” Making this global accusation can intensify the communication.

Accurate use of words can become more extreme: For example, instead of sticking to the reality, “Sometimes you don’t do what you say,” the speaker may feel like exaggerating the offense: “You never keep your word,” or “You always make commitments you don’t keep!” Resorting to exaggeration can intensify the communication.

Specific use of words can become symbolic. For example, instead of describing what happened, “This is what you did,” the speaker may feel like using the event to characterize the other party: “This just goes to show what an inconsiderate person you are!” Symbolizing the other person can intensify the communication.

Non-evaluative description can become judgmental. For example, instead of taking issue with how the other person behaved, “I don’t agree with how you acted,” the speaker may feel like criticizing the other person: “This shows how thoughtless you are.” Criticizing the other person can intensify communication.

Responsibility for feelings can become blaming for feelings. For example, instead of declaring feelings in response to whatever the other party is doing of not doing, “I feel let down when you don’t keep your word,” the speaker may want to attribute cause for personal distress to the other person: “You’re making me so unhappy!” Blaming one’s feelings on the other person can intensify communication.

Respectful treatment can become insulting. For example, instead of honoring what the other party has to say, “I think you have the right to see things as you do,” the speaker may put down the worth of the other person: “You’re too inexperienced and ignorant to know what you are talking about!” Insults can be fighting words and can intensify communication.

Sometimes counseling couples can feel like refereeing a talking match to help contestants keep their language clean and clear of the harmful influence that emotional intensity can provoke. This helping role can involve keeping spoken communication operational, accurate, specific, non-evaluative, emotionally responsible, and respectful, as opposed to generalized, extreme, symbolic, judgmental, blameful, and insulting.

What Not to Say

Finally, it’s worth mentioning a few common statements of frustration that a parent might avoid making because they can shape youthful self-perception and expectations in harmful ways.

• “You’re just lazy!” To the teenager what hurts is what is painfully left out. She is a lazy (good for nothing.)
• “You’ve really disappointed us!” To the teenager this can imply an irrecoverable loss of lasting standing and even love.
• “You’ll never learn!” To the teenager this can imply the parental belief in the young person’s incorrigible stupidity.
• “You’re driving us crazy!” To the teenager this can feel like being blamed for the parent’s unhappy emotions (which of course are the parent’s responsibility.)
• “You should be ashamed of yourself!” To the teenager this can feels like being exiled to permanent disgrace.
• “You’re hopeless!” To the teenager this can feel like a statement of parental giving up that dooms any possibility for recovering from whatever is not going well.
• “You’ll never amount to much!” To the teenager this can feel like a permanent failure to measure up to parental aspirations.

These are all crushing statements.

Parents need to remember how their spoken perception of the teenager acts like a powerful mirror in which she or he sees their reflection in the eyes of the most powerful people in her or his world. Despite the teenager defiantly declaring to parents, “I don’t care what you think!” this is not true. In fact, the young person cares to much to let hurt feelings show.

Because they have such formative credibility, parents need to monitor their emotional arousal and watch the words they say.