A relatively newer term, weaponized incompetence has gotten a lot of attention over the past few years. My students love to discuss it, especially in the context of gender, as it most often points to conventions and excuses that keep labor inequitably divided.

What is it?

Husbands and boyfriends just can’t fold the laundry right. They just can’t get the correct items from the store. They just can’t remember the kids’ doctor’s appointments. And when they do try, “Oops, I messed it up. I guess you’ll just have to do it.”

The list is endless but the suggestion of abject incompetence leads my students, mostly women, to having to take over these tasks. Over time, feigned inability creates a mountain of tasks that builds along with resentment.

It extends beyond relationships

Weaponized incompetence isn’t just a phenomenon in relationships. It applies to almost any situation in which a seemingly competent person inexplicably just can’t do something right, work environments included.

That co-worker just can’t seem to do a task correctly, so you end up doing it for them every time. Your fellow student just can’t figure out how to format the citations for your group presentation, so another group member does it for them. Sound familiar?

It’s not new

While the term itself provides a level of insight we haven’t necessarily explored before, weaponized incompetence is not new. Psychology has always had concepts like social loafing, self-handicapping, learned helplessness, and many more that relate.

At its core, weaponized incompetence is just another form of manipulation, something psychology has studied for a long time. Don’t want to do something? Say you can’t. And that’s the crux: It’s not about inability, it’s about unwillingness. It sounds like “I can’t” but it’s really “I won’t” wrapped in performative excuses.

There are consequences

Weaponized incompetence creates fundamentally inequitable environments. In this context, it clearly takes an emotional toll on the people facing it. And, because it so often functions as a manipulative tool, it can be a hallmark of abuse.

Whether in personal relationships, work relationships, or in other situations, this dynamic often leads to over-functioning to make up for the under-functioning “I just can’t do it” person. That’s not sustainable. One person simply cannot do it all.

Cue the resentment, exhaustion, and recent attention to this phenomenon.

It’s more than simple tasks

Despite the popularity of the topic, discussions tend to focus only on a surface-level definition of the problem. Weaponized incompetence goes far beyond household and work tasks. It’s not as concrete or as simple as we make it seem.

Weaponized incompetence extends into core relationship skills like Emotional intelligence, communication, and commitment. “I just can’t give you what you need.” “I just can’t treat you right.” “I just can’t communicate.”

No, you won’t.

Weaponized incompetence gets people out of more than doing the dishes. It excuses them from providing partners with basic needs. It’s a refusal to participate in, or contribute to, a healthy relationship. It’s an unwillingness to put in the energy and effort it takes to get there. In a work context, it gets you out of doing your job.

It’s gendered

If we’re going to truly address weaponized incompetence, we have to recognize it for what it is. This means we have to understand competence. Most people have some level of competence.

Because it’s such a gendered phenomenon, this means acknowledging that yes, men can communicate. Yes, men are able to develop Emotional intelligence. We all are.

Weaponized incompetence is not only used by men, but it frequently is. Gender norms support and perpetuate it, leading to a very heavy labor burden for women. And when we recognize just how deep it goes, we uncover that this labor is also emotional in nature. One person cannot and should not be responsible for all communication, emotional management, etc., in a relationship.

It’s simply untenable, but so many relationships revolve around this dynamic.

We’re missing the mark

Without a complete analysis of just how much and how deeply weaponized incompetence is used, we’re missing the mark. Acknowledging its use to avoid household labor and work tasks is an important first step, but doesn’t go far enough. Countless partners and co-workers are suffering a burden of heavy emotional and psychological work that should be shared labor.

Sure, not everyone will do it all perfectly. Some people may truly believe they are incapable. Of course some individuals are better at things like empathy than others. Some need more grace. Some need more knowledge, time, and practice to develop these skills. That’s why we are concerned with equity, not equality.

But everyone can do what it takes to build and maintain healthy relationships in their personal lives, work, and more. Everyone can put in the effort. The person who uses weaponized incompetence ignores the real question and forces us to accept an answer we never asked for. The question isn’t, “Can you?” The real question is “Will you?”