As an expert on the topic of interpersonal forgiveness, it is difficult for me to hear of situations when teachers and parents demand children to apologize and forgive immediately after an offense. Those are often viewed as quick behavioral fixes in situations of conflict or when one individual has been hurt by another. This process often includes instructions such as: “Say I’m sorry, accept the apology, and move on.”

For parents and educators, this solution may feel easy and effective, as it appears to involve restoring social harmony quickly while also teaching children responsibility and compassion. But, although we may believe that we are encouraging moral behavior and helping students feel better, we are actually teaching them that forgiveness and apologies result by simply saying the words without understanding the meaning and process behind these moral actions, according to May Yuan and her colleagues in a 2021 article.

In fact, forgiveness and apology require emotional readiness, perspective-taking, and empathy. According to Emma Kemp and her colleagues, who examined children’s emotional forgiveness in another 2021 study, these skills develop with time and gradually throughout childhood and adolescence. It goes beyond just saying the words, “I’m sorry” or “I forgive you.”

Specifically, forgiveness involves a willingness to abandon one’s right to resentment, negative judgment, and negative behavior toward one’s offender, while fostering the undeserved qualities of compassion, empathy, and goodwill toward the offender. Notice that in this definition, one has a right to resentment and that the offender does not deserve compassion and goodwill because of their hurtful actions—but we give it to them anyway.

Although frequently confused with forgetting, acceptance, condoning, excusing, pardon, and denial of anger, forgiveness is none of these. When we forgive, we decrease our negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors toward the offender. Over time, we may increase our positive thoughts, feelings, and sometimes behaviors toward the offender. We can also only forgive for the way that we were personally impacted by an offense. Depending on the situation, sometimes forgiveness involves simply wishing the offender well.

Although students are expected to give and receive forgiveness, often on demand, few have been educated on what forgiveness truly means and looks like. In this article, I use quotes from college students who took my interpersonal forgiveness class to illustrate their thoughts about apologies and forgiveness. These highlight how important forgiveness education is for students of all ages. For example, a student in my interpersonal forgiveness class reflected on what she learned about forgiveness and apologies growing up:

When conflicts arose between my sisters and me, we would often say “sorry” simply because it was expected of us or because an adult told us it was the right thing to do, not necessarily because we fully understood the meaning behind the apology. At that age, forgiveness felt more like a routine than a heartfelt process. It was not until I grew older that I began to grasp the deeper emotional and relational aspects of forgiving someone: acknowledging the hurt, understanding their intention, and choosing to let go for the sake of healing and growth.

Many students report similar early lessons in “forgiveness on demand,” which often lead to misconceptions about forgiveness as compliance rather than a process or a choice. They also report that they wish they could have received forgiveness education earlier in their schooling. In a 2024 paper, Corinne Den Hartog discusses her research with teachers, illustrating that forgiveness education can be beneficial for students and that schools can play a critical role in teaching students what forgiveness means and how to forgive, and what effective apologies look like.

Here are my research-based thoughts on how to better teach forgiveness and apologies.

The problem with premature forgiveness and coerced apologies

I began studying interpersonal forgiveness in 1987 as a graduate student at the University of Wisconsin–Madison under the guidance of Robert Enright. At that time, forgiveness was primarily a focus of philosophy and religion and had not been widely examined from a psychological perspective. Our main goal was to define forgiveness as a psychological construct and moral virtue, distinct from concepts such as reconciliation, forgetting, and condoning, and then to clarify what the process entailed.

We developed one of the first comprehensive models of forgiveness, known as the Enright Process Model. The model includes four phases, as described by Robert Enright and colleagues in a 1991 book chapter:

• The uncovering phase, where individuals admit that they were hurt and recognize and explore painful emotions;
• The decision phase, in which the decision to forgive is made after exploring what forgiveness is and is not;
• The work phase, which involves expanding one’s view of the offender, recognizing the offender’s humanity and developing empathy and compassion for them; and
• The deepening phase, in which individuals find meaning, emotional relief, and freedom from resentment.

When parents and educators put pressure on children and adolescents to forgive immediately, both parties feel compelled to skip phases and use scripted words before they genuinely feel remorse or understand their behavior. Research shows that young children can distinguish genuine from coerced apologies, and that forced apologies often fail to reduce negative feelings or may even increase resentment. As Craig E. Smith and his colleagues argue in a 2018 paper:

Coercing your child to apologize is going to backfire. Other kids don’t view that apologizer as likable. The teachable element of having the child apologize has gone away and the goal of the apology prompt—to help your child express remorse, soothe someone else’s hurt feelings, and make your child more likable—is lost.

The other problem with forced situations is that the injured party is pressured to forgive immediately after receiving an apology. Research has illustrated that forgiveness does not usually occur immediately, as it is a gradual process that involves emotional awareness and regulation, moral choice, and cognitive understanding as discussed in the curriculum. Asking a child to forgive before they’ve had time to process their pain and express their feelings short-circuits important emotional work and teaches them to suppress their feelings instead of understanding, expressing, and then moving beyond them. A student in my forgiveness class related to being pressured to forgive before she was ready:

One thing I really connected with was the reminder that forgiveness takes time. I grew up hearing phrases like ‘just forgive and move on,’ but that never worked for me. Trying to rush it only made me feel like I was failing at forgiveness. Learning that quick forgiveness doesn’t always lead to real forgiveness makes me feel validated. My process was slow, and maybe that’s why it felt real when I finally reached it.

Although parents and educators often want to jump to the last phase of forgiving, peace and reconciliation (if possible), a more effective approach encourages the injured to take as much time as necessary to work through their emotions before forgiving. As discussed in Suzanne Freedman and Eva Chen’s 2023 paper, true forgiveness requires time and self-reflection. It cannot be demanded by others or achieved instantly through words alone. Skipping steps fails to recognize the complexity involved in the process of forgiveness. It also teaches children that forgiveness and relationship repair are more about listening to adults than listening to their hearts.

In our 2010 study on a sample of the general population’s understanding of forgiveness, we found that another common misconception about forgiveness is that one cannot forgive unless they receive an apology from the offender.

That may be true for reconciliation, but not forgiveness. Forgiveness is something individuals can do all on their own, for their own well-being, without any response from the offender. Forgiveness can sometimes lead to reconciliation between the injured party and the offender, but it does not have to. One may require an apology for the friendship to continue, but if that is not desired or possible, forgiveness can still occur. If we require the offender to apologize before forgiving, we give the offender control and power over our forgiveness and healing.

Uncomfortable emotions and validation

This entire process can involve some powerful and uncomfortable emotions. As psychologist Lisa Damour reminds us, unpleasant emotions are not “bad”; they are normal, healthy, and necessary. She prefers the term uncomfortable emotions to “negative” ones because the latter implies that feelings like anger, sadness, or anxiety are wrong. She writes that “psychological health is not about being free from emotional discomfort, but about having the right feeling at the right time and being able to bear the unpleasant ones.”

As Marc Brackett, founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional intelligence, explains in a 2025 conversation, our skill in dealing with emotions influences how much success and well-being we can achieve. Educators and parents can nurture this skill by teaching that all emotions are normal and natural, and it is what we do with our emotions that can be considered good or bad. When we teach children that uncomfortable emotions are normal and survivable, we empower students to express, rather than suppress them, a crucial part of forgiveness.

Phase One of Enright’s forgiveness process model helps individuals process their feelings after experiencing hurt from or conflict with another. Having an adult validate their feelings helps children recognize that their emotions are acceptable and important. Without validation, students may learn to suppress and distrust their feelings. As described by Sarah Gonser in a 2022 article, emotional literacy is the ability to recognize, name, and express emotions in healthy ways and is an important part of social-emotional learning.

As child therapist Violet Oaklander emphasizes in her 2007 book, Windows to Our Children, it’s important to help children recognize and express all emotions, including anger. “Anger is an honest, normal feeling,” she writes. “Everyone gets angry. I get angry. You get angry. It’s what we do with these feelings—whether we can accept them, how we express them—that causes all the trouble.”

Unfortunately, children often receive mixed messages about anger. They experience adults’ anger but are discouraged, and sometimes even punished, from expressing it themselves. As a result, they learn to suppress, deflect, or deny anger, which, as Oaklander observes, can become a “hidden block to one’s sense of wholeness and well-being.”

Helping kids choose apology and forgiveness

There is an alternative. When adults validate children’s emotions, they model that forgiveness is not denial of pain, but healthy processing of it. It also teaches children that they can handle their pain and helps them develop resiliency for future challenges.

Consider two seventh-grade students, Amelia and Andrew. During a group project, Andrew made a hurtful comment about Amelia’s presentation skills in front of their classmates. Amelia felt embarrassed and angry, and the teacher told Andrew that he was out of line. After reflecting and discussing with the teacher, Andrew sincerely apologized: “I’m sorry for what I said about you in front of everyone. It was mean, and I shouldn’t have done it.”

Although Amelia appreciated the apology, she still felt hurt and wasn’t ready to forgive. Instead of insisting she do so immediately, the teacher validated her feelings: “It’s okay that you’re still upset, Amelia. What Andrew said was hurtful, and it’s natural to need some time.”

That simple validation allowed Amelia to process her emotions. Over the next few days, as Andrew treated her with kindness and respect, her hurt subsided. Eventually, when she felt ready, Amelia told Andrew she forgave him. This experience not only repaired their friendship but taught both students that forgiveness takes time and is a personal choice when one feels ready, rather than a response to pressure.

As we see in Andrew’s example, a sincere apology requires acknowledging specific harm, taking responsibility, expressing remorse, and making amends. When these components are present, apologies are associated with reduced anger and greater empathy as found by Andrew Howell and colleagues in a 2012 study on guilt, empathy, and apology. Here is some practical guidance for parents and educators in helping children craft good apologies, as described by Kara Newhouse in a 2023 Mindshift article and podcast:

• Pause and validate. Normalize all feelings. When a child is hurt, start by naming and validating their feelings: “You look really upset. That makes sense—I’d feel angry too if someone did that.”
• Encourage empathy through reflection. Ask the child who caused harm to reflect: “Tell me what happened from your point of view. How do you think that made your _____ feel?” and “What can you do to make amends?”
• Teach a complete apology. Example of structure to use: “I’m sorry for [specific behavior]. I see that it made you feel [hurt/angry/sad]. I will [action to make it right].”
• Avoid forcing closure. Give children time to process their feelings and behavior before asking them to forgive or apologize. Healing does not occur on a timeline. Encourage the injured child to respond honestly: “Thank you for apologizing. I’m still hurt and need more time.”
• Model emotional honesty. Adults can share their own feelings calmly and respectfully. Children will learn that expression of all feelings requires strength, not weakness.
• Celebrate progress, not perfection. Praise effort toward understanding and the development of empathy and compassion, not just compliance with expected behavior.

These steps show that forgiveness is a process and unfolds gradually, not immediately. Children need time to build up their moral muscle and education on forgiveness and effective apologies help children develop these skills—and learn to make their own choices. Children benefit when they understand that forgiveness is voluntary, something they can choose after working through their emotions. As one student in my Interpersonal Forgiveness class emphasizes:

Another thing I would want the educator to be sure to stress is the involvement of choice. Unless it is the hurt party’s willful choice to forgive another, no true emotional or personal healing will start. They will keep harboring the feelings of anger and resentment, without giving them the space to be expressed. Forgiveness happens on our own timelines. No one else can decide how we move through the process.

Forgiveness and apology are powerful, but only when they are sincere and reflect emotional honesty. By teaching children that forgiveness is a process, not an obligation, adults help them develop moral strength and emotional literacy.