Many women struggle with husbands or boyfriends who are emotionally immature. The frustration of living with a partner who struggles to handle adult responsibilities or express emotions appropriately has become so prevalent that terms like ‘man child’ have arisen to help describe this phenomenon. The concept of the emotionally immature adult male is explained along with the origins of the behavior and codependent tendencies that keep your relationship stuck in an unhealthy place. Here are practical suggestions grounded in Gottman insights to help you foster a healthier connection.
What Does It Mean to Be a “Man Child”?
The term ‘man child’ refers to an adult male who seems stuck in adolescence. However, this type of language is both pejorative and unhelpful. Societal constructs exist that stunt the growth of men’s Emotional intelligence. Terms like ‘man child’ minimize the complexity of the situation of an emotionally immature man. We know that having social support systems reduces depression and other Mental health disorders. Yet men typically have fewer and more surface level social connections.
In general when someone does not develop emotionally past adolescence, they will lack resilience and coping skills to deal with any challenging situation. Here are some behaviors we commonly see:
- Avoiding Responsibilities
This might look like consistently ignoring chores, bills, or tasks that keep a household running smoothly.
The American Psychological Association defines it as the tendency to escape from the real world to the delight or security of a fantasy world. This might look like gaming addiction or spending excessive amounts of time online.
- Inappropriate emotional expression
Difficulty articulating emotions and expressing emotions appropriately. You will instead see blaming and criticizing instead of talking about their feelings. frequent complaining or whining, and even throwing tantrums when confronted.
Difficulty taking on another person’s feelings as their own especially when it comes to difficult feelings and circumstances. This goes along with the inability to see things from someone else’s perspective and to try to understand their point of view.
When faced with challenging situations and emotions, they may regress even further and self medicate or use other forms of escapism like gaming, being online for hours, or other addictive behaviors.
These traits do not necessarily mean a person is inherently bad. In many cases, deeper psychological or emotional factors such as fear of failure, anxiety, or unresolved childhood issues can lead to the avoidance of adult responsibilities.
Reasons for emotional immaturity
While the reasons for male emotional immaturity do not justify the poor behaviors, it can help to have some understanding about the immaturity. Here are some reasons why we tend to see men have poor Emotional intelligence.
Societal constructs
Societal messages around masculinity and emotion have been embedded into the fabric of our lives and the result has been disastrous for men’s Mental health. We know that social connections are key to emotional health and well being yet there is still a gendered nature to men’s social support networks that often times lacks real connection.
Stigma
Stigma continues to exist for men around seeking help and going to therapy. the dominant notions of masculinity (such as stubbornness and self-reliance) leads to underutilization of Mental health resources.
Many men are stuck in psychologically stuck in an adolescent mindset where they externalize blame and avoid responsibility. Because of privilege and opportunity many men do not have to deal with consequences of their actions or their actions are seen as acceptable behavior.
Childhood
Hate to say it but the early years are formative, so when certain skills and development do not happen when we are kids, it is really hard to go back and learn them. Regarding emotional learning, many boys are not encouraged to express emotion and feelings and are often ridiculed when they do. As a result, they do not have healthy ways to process the emotions and the resulting phsyiological responses in their body. Instead of expressing and feeling the emotions and what is happening in their bodies, they learn to cope in other unhealthy ways that might include:
- Self medicating
- Acts of violence or aggression
- Complete emotional shutdown
- Dissociating
Consequences of Emotional Immaturity
Unhealthy Relationships
Strong healthy relationships are built on a foundation of trust, commitment and communication. When your partner is emotionally immature, it results in an unhealthy and sometimes toxic relationship. Dr. John Gottman identities 4 communication patterns that will lead to a relationship falling apart. These patterns will likely be present if your husband/boyfriend does not have high Emotional intelligence.
Criticism
Criticism is expressing a complaint as a flaw in the other’s person’s character. It often starts with ‘you always’ or ‘you never’. Usually the complaint is covering up an unsaid desire or want. However, putting oneself in the vulnerable position of describing your need and your feelings is much harder than criticizing.
Contempt
This is the #1 predictor of divorce. Contempt is criticism with a layer of superiority. This is a negative mindset where the person is constantly looking for their partner’s mistakes and scans the environment for things that are wrong rather than the positives.
Defensiveness
Defensiveness is an attempt to protect oneself and to defend one’s innocence.Someone who lacks emotional maturity will likely become defensive when their partner or spouse criticizes something they do. The only thing that can turn around this dynamic is by taking responsibility for your role in the argument which is not something an emotionally immature person is capable of doing.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling refers to when one person withdraws from the interaction and shuts down. It is more commonly known as freezing. Usually there is physiologically flooding that occurs where they experience increased heart rate, difficulty focusing, feelings of overwhelm. If these symptoms are not recognized, it can lead to escalation of conflict.
Observing Your Own Behavior
Codependence
This describes adults who resist taking on the responsibilities and challenges of adulthood. They may prioritize fun and freedom over planning, follow-through, or accountability.
If your husband seems perpetually stuck in a childlike state, you might unknowingly be playing the role of Wendy by catering to his needs and unintentionally encouraging his immaturity. This dynamic can be exhausting, as you end up handling most daily tasks and responsibilities.
Consider whether you might be enabling your husband’s childlike behavior. Reflect on:
- Family History
Did you have to be overly responsible in your childhood or care for siblings or parents? - Caretaker Role
Are you repeating old patterns of taking care of others to the detriment of your own well-being?
Recognizing these tendencies allows you to identify how you may be contributing to the parent-child dynamic within the marriage.
Strategies to develop emotional immaturity
Outlined below are tips to deal with the emotional immaturity while also trying to increase the Emotional intelligence in your husband or boyfriend.
Set Clear Boundaries
This strategy is specifically for the partner dealing with an immature husband/boyfriend. When we set a boundary with another person, we are protecting ourselves from anything that can threaten our well-being, We can not control another person’s behavior, but we we can control how we respond and what we allow into our environment. change our own behavior to protect ourselves, our needs, and our limits. Setting boundaries will protect your mental and emotional health.
Develop Emotional Literacy
Help your husband learn to identify and express his emotions by asking questions like, “How are you feeling right now?” This can encourage him to move from tantrums or blame-shifting to more constructive ways of coping. It is possible to move from being emotionally immature to having Emotional intelligence with effort, support and introspection.
Professional Support
Counseling or therapy can help your husband or boyfriend address the deeper issues that may be fueling irresponsible behavior or emotional immaturity. Often times the deeper issues are difficult to understand without additional support. If he is willing to go to therapy, that is a good sign that change is possible.
Relationships
Dr. John Gottman has identified ways to mitigate the effects of these toxic communication patterns discussed previously. It is important to to change the dynamics of the relationship before the toxic patterns take over and lead to relationship break up.
The way you express a complaint will determine whether you successfully resolve the issue. If you start by saying “You never…”, chances are it will be met with a defensive approach. If you can instead approach it in a non-attack mode, it is more likely you will be able to have a successful conversation about the issue.
When discussing concerns or even complaining about something, focus on how you feel rather than criticizing. Instead of saying, “You never help me,” say, “I feel overwhelmed when I handle all the cooking and cleaning on my own. Could we find a more balanced approach?” This style of communication reduces defensiveness. It allows you the space to say what you need and allows your partner to ‘be your hero’ by fulfilling your need.
Bids for connection are the small, daily attempts to engage emotionally, such as sharing stories or asking about each other’s day. Turning towards your partner when they make a bid is one of the cornerstones of A partner who is emotionally immature may ignore or dismiss these bids, creating emotional distance.
Repair attempts are any actions aimed at de-escalating tension, such as a gentle joke, a supportive touch, or an apology. Recognizing and responding to these attempts can help you both step back from heated conflicts and move toward resolution.
If your husband refuses to acknowledge his behavior or make changes, it can lead to serious strain on the relationship. A one-sided marriage, where one partner shoulders the bulk of responsibilities, often fuels resentment. Assess whether your needs are being met, and consider professional guidance if you feel uncertain about the future.
Final Thoughts
Living with an immature husband or boyfriend can be emotionally draining, but it is possible to address these challenges with compassion. By setting boundaries, encouraging emotional growth, and focusing on healthier communication, you can create an environment that supports mutual respect and understanding. Ultimately, it is vital to remember that you deserve a balanced, fulfilling relationship. If your husband remains unwilling to adapt or seek help, professional guidance can help you decide the best path for your well-being.
Frequently Asked Questions
- What if my husband refuses therapy?
Focus on what you can control. Set firm boundaries and prioritize your own Mental health. Individual therapy can be helpful for you, even if he chooses not to go. - Could Mental health issues be involved?
Yes. Emotional immaturity can sometimes be associated with conditions like depression, anxiety, or borderline personality disorder. A professional evaluation can clarify underlying issues. - How do I know if I’m enabling my husband’s behavior?
If you constantly do things for him that he should manage himself (like all household tasks or finances), you might be enabling his immaturity. Reflect on whether your actions prevent him from learning to be more responsible. - What if children are involved?
An emotionally immature parent might feel threatened by a child receiving more attention. This makes healthy boundaries and communication even more important for the family’s well-being. - When should I consider leaving the relationship?
If your partner consistently refuses to change or address your concerns and your own emotional health is suffering, it may be time to evaluate whether the marriage is sustainable. A therapist can help guide you through this decision.
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