When you hear the words, “Not tonight, dear, I have a headache,” do you envision a woman politely rejecting her husband’s sexual advances? Contrary to popular belief, millions of men aren’t in the mood for sex or other physical contact.
Why do we seldom hear about low desire in men?
In a culture where masculinity and virility are inextricably connected, it strikes terror in the hearts of men to think, much less talk about being disinterested in sex. Even when their wives are desperately unhappy about the lack of physical closeness, men often avoid discussing their feelings. To compound matters, men typically refuse to seek professional help; they feel too much shame.
Causes of low desire in men
Although a drop in desire can be caused by many different factors, there are a few primary reasons men lose interest in sex.
Biological issues
As people age, their sex drive often changes. Although many men enjoy sex well into their 80s, over time, there is a decline in testosterone, the primary hormone responsible for sex drive. As a result, men often feel less focused on their sexual relationships. Also, they require more- and different- stimulation to achieve and maintain an erection. Orgasms tend to be less intense. These natural and predictable changes can be disconcerting to men who, in the past, have had sizable sexual appetites.
There are illnesses and the medications that treat them that affect sexual desire. For instance, cardiovascular disease wreaks havoc with a man’s blood flow, which, in turn, makes it difficult to achieve or maintain an erection, which undoubtedly dampens desire.
Illnesses such as endocrine and other disorders—diabetes, hypothyroidism, hyperthyroidism, liver disease, kidney disease, pituitary disease, Parkinson’s disease, anemia, and arthritis—can affect sexual desire. Chronic pain can take a toll, too. Additionally, many medications, including over-the-counter drugs, can greatly affect a man’s sex drive.
An unhealthy lifestyle can be at the root of libido problems. If a man abuses alcohol or drugs, doesn’t exercise or eat healthfully, or fails to receive adequate sleep, sex may become unimportant.
Finally, one of the primary reasons men avoid sex is that they are experiencing erectile dysfunction (ED) or ejaculation problems. Anticipating undesirable outcomes can make sex anxiety-producing rather than enjoyable. ED and other sexual dysfunctions are typically due to a complex interplay of biological, emotional, and interpersonal causes.
Psychological issues
Sometimes disinterest in sex has less to do with one’s partner and more to do with self-sabotaging thoughts and feelings, such as dissatisfaction with the changes in one’s body, feeling stressed out about work, worrying about dwindling finances, the kids, in-laws, health issues, job loss, and so on. Facing life’s many challenging transitions—becoming empty nesters, dealing with ailing parents, or losing loved ones—can also be extremely taxing, robbing people of their energy and passion.
According to the National Institute of Mental health, 21 million Americans are estimated to have had at least one major episode of depression in their lives. Seventy-five percent of people who are depressed confirm a loss of sexual desire, whether due to the depression or the medications used to treat it.
Prior sexual, emotional, or physical abuse might make real intimacy challenging. If one’s childhood was hurtful, scary, or unstable, it may be hard to feel safe in relationships.
When a man is less interested in sex with his partner, it does not necessarily mean that he has lost sexual desire; he may be expressing his sexual energy in other ways. For example, if a man is preoccupied due to an emotional or physical affair, he might be unavailable to his wife. Similarly, compulsive use of pornography can dampen a man’s interest in sex with his partner.
Relationship issues
Although most people believe that women need to feel close emotionally to their spouses before they’re interested in sex, believe it or not, men often feel this way, too. Countless men go into their man caves when their relationships are stormy and have no desire whatsoever to be physically connected. Men’s withdrawal often brings out the worst in their exasperated wives, increased frustration, which leads to even more physical distance.
Additionally, men often lose desire when, rather than confronting relationship conflict head-on, they tend to hold it inside and brood. Keeping anger and resentment inside is a sure-fire way to kill any feelings of intimacy.
Furthermore, men often say that they have lost interest in sex because they’re no longer attracted to their wives. They complain that their wives have “let themselves go” and stopped caring about health and fitness long ago. A man tends to be very visually oriented when it comes to sexual desire, and a change in his wife’s physical appearance can affect his level of desire for her.
Finally, sometimes men lose interest in sex because it has become routine or simply unsatisfying. Less-than-rewarding sex can be due to an unwillingness to experiment with new and potentially exciting ways of interacting sexually.
Boosting Desire
What a couple needs to do to boost the marital libido depends on the reasons for the loss of desire. That said, it makes sense to start the libido-boosting journey with a thorough medical checkup to rule out biological causes. For example, a simple blood test can offer information about testosterone levels and suggest the need for testosterone supplements, frequently a helpful remedy.
Next, since it’s clear that a healthy lifestyle is a prerequisite for having a robust sexual relationship, men need to make certain they’re eating well, exercising regularly, getting regular sleep, and cutting down on alcohol.
Men who lose interest in sex due to anxiety about erectile dysfunction can learn new skills to help them relax and maintain their erections by going to a licensed sex therapist. A sex therapist is specially trained to educate couples who are experiencing difficulties in the bedroom.
If psychological issues are standing in the way of physical intimacy, seeking help from an experienced therapist to deal with underlying depression, anxiety, issues of low self-esteem, or nagging relationship problems. Learning skills to break free from unproductive patterns of thinking and behaving can be life-transforming, leading to more passion and zest for sex.
